So Young
by ximacloudx
Summary: Rafael Barba had lived his adult life married to his work and moonlighting in overcompensation for his lack of family values. But the death of his grandmother leads to a new discovery - a 14 year old daughter and her mother whose heart he broke. When they get tied into an SVU investigation, can he hide from his past? Multi-viewpoint, Barba/PseudoOC, Rating for future chapters
1. Discovery

Present Day

"So, the latest suspect is Andrew Nowling, 24 years old, lives in Kappa Nu frat house. We have a warrant to search the house for computers, laptops, anything that could hold pictures of the victims. Vics said they met someone online, claimed to be a boy, their age, went to meet them at a public place and then turned out to be a creep with a friend who gang raped the young girls. So if you see our suspect or any girls in the house not in college, bring them all in."

"You got it, Lieutenant" Carisi said, standing up and sliding his jacket across his shoulders, waiting for Rollins to get up to go with him. The ride down to the university district was short - it was after rush hour but not quite nightfall, a lull in peak driving times. They burst through the doors of the frat house, seeing normal suspects - boys throwing darts, drinking.

"NYPD, we have a warrant." Carisi said, walking through the door and picking one of the boys. "You, where's Andrew?"  
"Which one? There's one right there" He gestured towards the couch, where a guy was wrestling with a girl clearly in a high school uniform on a couch.

"Yo, Andrew!" Carisi said, pulling him off of the girl. "You're coming with me."

"Whoa, whoa!" The boy said as he got up. "Am I under arrest?"  
"Do you wanna be? Let's go. And you, what's your name? Where do you go to school?" The girls brown eyes widened, and she shook her head. She was clearly hispanic - long, darkest brown hair that hung in loose thick curls, long eyelashes, tanned skin. Her uniform was nicer - like the ones from the upper west side prep schools, but she wasn't wearing a vest that revealed the exact name.

"I'm reserving my right to remain silent at this time." She said, standing up and putting on a north face jacket.

"Well you're coming with us."  
"Figured as much." She replied.

"Honey you're obviously in school, how old are you?"  
"Sorry, officer, I would prefer to not answer any questions at this time." The girl said politely, letting her arm be taken as Rollins and Carisi lead the two into separate cars, CSU continued searching for anything that would tie the girls to the house.

An hour later they had the boy and girl in separate rooms. Olivia put the teenage girl in her office - she figured she was a victim and didn't want to scare the girl by putting her in an interview room. She called in Barba - given that they had the witness testimony, they could at least attempt to get a confession and an arrest warrant.

"So what am I here for?"  
"We've got the suspect and a young girl he was with in the frat house. The girl is clearly in high school but won't even give us her name." Olivia gestured towards her office where Carisi had left the teenager. "We're hoping we can get this victim to cooperate and offer a deal to the boy to reveal his co-conspirator -" Olivia stopped as Barba abruptly stopped walking, staring into her office.

"Is that the girl?" He said, his shoulders raising as he took in a deep breath. He looked furious.

"Yes, why?" Olivia asked before he started marching towards the office, busting open the door.

"Noelia!" Barba snapped, glowering. Her eyes widened for just a moment before she took a breath, keeping her cool.

"You know this girl?" Benson asked, following him in. Carisi had come across the squad room, a can of coke in his hand.

"How do you know this kid? She's like sixteen." Carisi said, handing the coke to the girl who thanked him, clearly trying to look unaffected by Barba.

"Try fourteen." Barba said levelly, his eyes not moving away from her face. The girl rolled her eyes.

"Papi I'm a sophomore in high school, I take college classes. You're acting like I'm a baby."

"Papi?!" Carisi and Benson said in unison, looking between the two.

"Noelia." Barba spoke each syllable of her name slowly and carefully. "What were you doing at a frat party, on a school night, with a 24 year old?"

"One: I was with Emilio so don't get your suspenders in a twist, two: doing nothing because I know the age of consent in New York and I'm incapable of giving, it, and three: he's 20, not 24, and if I'm a betting man neither of us were even in relation to your warrant. The creep who targets young girls in that frat is Andrew _Nowling_ ; you have Andrew Borror in that room. Same description. Your detectives are racial profiling, daddy, it's not my fault all early 20s white boys look the same." She deadpanned, leaning back in her chair. "Further, let's not even discuss this conflict of interest. Go talk to the wrong Andrew, try to hold him on whatever BS charge you're going to choose, and let the detectives question me. I have pics with the guy you're actually looking for - I'll give them to Carisi and continue to explain that we were innocently playing scrabble after doing stats homework and Andrew _Borror_ will collaborate my story." She huffed. Barba's face was turning red. Before he could open his mouth Benson hooked his arm around hers and pulled him out of the room.

"I'm going to kill her." He snapped, pacing the squad room. "And her mother - how did she-"

"Whoa, Barba, slow down. You have a 14 year old? How have we never known?" Olivia sounded hurt by the secrecy but tried to hide it with the urgency in her voice. Barba sighed.

"Her mother never told me. Fifteen years ago, after my father died… I was in a dark place. I spent so much time hating him. Amelia -her mother- was there. When I told her a month into the relationship I didn't want anything serious she moved to Cleveland where her sister was. She came back to New York last year - Noelia applied for an elite high school and got a scholarship. I only met her because she took the subway to go to Abuelita's funeral. She'll talk to my mother but apparently hates me, and honestly aside from seeing her once or twice we've never really spoken." They looked towards the office where Carisi and Noelia seemed to be chatting easily. The young girl waved her hands animatedly while Carisi laughed. Barba narrowed his eyes.

Carisi got up, leaving Noelia in the room. Seeing the two talking, he walked across the squad room.

"Hey, Lia wants a coke - how's it going out here?"

"Lee-uh? BFFs now, Carisi?" Barba snapped.

"Whoa, counselor, everything's fine. She showed me the pics of the perps and even gave me the name of another vic - apparently she's been watching this creep for weeks, trying to get email addresses of the girls from his computer to warn them. The kid we got-Borror-his dad's on the job on the 1-4. Im sure Rollins and Fin will come out and tell us the same." Carisi grinned "She's just like you, counselor. Smart as a whip with the snark to match." Barba's knuckles were white as his fists clenched at his side. "Apparently me and Rollins have met her mom - she's the SANE nurse that originally interviewed the blogger girl from the D'Amico case. Lia saw it on Kristi's blog."

"All that in two minutes?" Benson said, shocked. Noelia hadn't said a word prior.

"Yeah, she was trying to avoid talking until we either let her go or 7 a.m. - that's when her mom gets off work. She didn't want her mom to leave an hour into a 12 hour shift and not get paid, plus she knew we worked with you, counselor, because she followed Kristi Cryer's trial. But once she was outed as Baby Barba there was no way that was going to happen." Carisi glanced back towards the office where Noelia had taken her phone out and was looking down. Rollins and Finn came towards them from the from the interview room.

"Hey, it turns out we got the wrong kid-this isn't our perp. His dad's on the ob, we called him. Apparently the girl is some high school genius - they got out of class at Hudson at six and went back to the house to eat and play scrabble. He has valid alibis for when the other girls were attacked and he and the high schooler weren't doing anything illegal - they were wresting over a blank tile when we found them." Amanda looked between Barba, Benson and Carisi. "Am I… missing something?"

"Apparently Barba has a mystery child," Carisi blurted because anyone stopped him. Amanda and Finn both raised their eyebrows. Benson quickly intervened.

"Look, Fin, Rollins, go back to the frat house - see if our perp got wind of our visits. Carisi, take the pictures Noelia gave you and see if you can track down the perp- you and Dodd's check the campus. I'll get Andrew and Noelia home." She ordered. As no one moved, she nodded her heads. "Go."

Everyone exchanged one more glance before disbursing.

"I need to talk to her." Barba said, still fuming.

"No, you need to calm down. There are no charges here, Barba. Go get some drinks from the break room. I'll talk to her so you don't bite each other's heads off." Barba signed, storming off to the other side of the precinct. Benson slowly walked towards the door, knocking. Noelia's head tipped up. Benson opened the door.

"Hi, Lia." Benson,said, sitting down behind her desk.

"You can call me Noelia - Carisi just says it wrong with his accent. Like Know-lia, instead of No-el-ee-yuh." She explained.

"Okay, Noelia." Benson enunciated the Spanish pronunciation. "Tell me what happened tonight." Noelia sighed.

"I go to Manhattan Heights, then after to Hudson University where I take Stats and English. After stats, Andrew and I met with Emilio - a family friend of mine. Eddie Garcia's little brother." Benson's eyes lit up with familiarity - the Alex Munoz case. "We walked to a hot dog stand, then went to the house. We got there around 6:15, to he house by 6:30. Emilio left to go to his girlfriend's house at 7, Andrew and I played Scrabble until you guys busted in. Got here at about eight, you called my dad, we're here and it's -" She looked at her phone. "9:15."

"Do you always hang out with boys that much older?" Benson asked as gently as she could.

"I'm a scholarship kid at a WASP school who, unlike my father, can't pass as anything but latino. I also tend to use words beyond the scope of typical high school diction. Doesn't lead to a lot of friends." She said, shrugging. "Side note, I see him out here, he can come in, assuming I don't get lectured."

Benson turned where Barba stood near the window. He no longer looked angry - just defeated. Benson gestured and Barba came in, setting the second can of soda in front of Noelia. She took it, opening the can and drinking eagerly.

"Thank you." She responded, looking between the two. "Sidenote Borror's mom is a doctor at the hospital my mom is a nurse - we used her credit card for the hot dogs. Paula Borror."

"Does your mom know you hang out at frat houses?" Barba asked quietly. Noelia rolled her eyes.

"You mean does my mom know I hang out with her coworker's son who is in my stats class at reasonable evening hours? Yes, she does. Look, I texted her when I got there." She said, flashing her phone screen. A message to her mother said she was at Andrew's, with her mom's curt "o.k." response.

"Now that I've been here for approximately 900 hours, can I please go home?"

"Okay, Noelia, let's get you home." Benson said kindly.

"Actually can my dad take me back? I feel like he should know where I live, given we're now aware of each other's existence and in the same city and everything." She said, taking another sip of her coke. Benson raised her eyebrows as she looked at Barba, who just looked up at the ceiling.

"Sure...let's go." Barba said, standing up. Noelia stood too, making eye contact with Benson.

"Look, the other Andrew, Nowling, he's a sketchy dude. Even if he's not your rapist, he brings home girls who aren't exactly post-pubescent, if you know what I mean." She said, her mouth turning upside down in a grimace. "I'll try to help in any way I can."

"Let's go, Noelia."

"Yes sir." She said, following on her dad's heels closely as they walked out of the building.

They didn't say a word as Barba drove them to where she lived. She looked down at the car they were in - it was clearly not Barba's. He must be part of one of those car share things. Neither spoke as they drive, adult Barba kept his eyes on the rode, child Barba looking down at her phone and reading. They pulled up to the building, Rafael getting out with Noelia.

"Going to make sure I get inside safe? Or that I don't go back off into the night to party?" She said, walking around the car to the sidewalk.

"Yes, I'm not going to be responsible if the perp you gave away is up in your walk up." He replied.

"Are you sure you want to join me? We're on the fifth floor." Noelia countered, taking out her keys and unlocking the front door.

"I'll survive." They walked up the stairs, once again in silence. Noelia used two different keys for the different deadbolts in the door, opening it and gesturing for her father to come inside.

"You can check it out, I'm sure we'll be fine. Do you wanna watch House?" She said, flopping down on the couch, wrapping a blanket around her legs and turning on the TV.

"You want me to watch TV? At ten o'clock at night?"

"Would you rather risk me going back out? At least if you stay until midnight it's past curfew and someone could arrest me if they see me on the streets." She argued, going to Netflix and picking an episode. Rafael's brows furrowed. This was his flesh and blood - spending an hour with her couldn't be the worst thing in the world, particularly if she was in New York for the next three years as a student. He sat down besides her on the couch, watching with mild amusement at Noelia's range of emotions - she correctly guessed what the patients were lying about, what random hint of foreshadowing would lead to the ultimate diagnosis, and showed outrage when characters behaved unreasonably. She was smart, snarky, enthusiastic. Despite everything, she was very clearly his.


	2. History

"One….two….three…" Amelia's breath labored as she trekked up to the fifth floor of the walkup. Counting each flight of stairs always made her feel better about going up the flights. It was like counting plus walking made it twice as much as an accomplishment. She had been cut from work 8 hours in - her boss told her she was dead on her feet. The overtime the last few months had been murder - three people in her unit had quit in three months. Dealing with sexual assault wasn't for everyone.

It took two keys to unlock the three locks - Amelia had asked for the second deadbolt, just in case. She was gone too much - she didn't like Noelia being alone in the house. She'd honestly rather her kid be out with friends who would keep track of her then in a lonely apartment where some psycho could follow her home and break in.

Amelia opened the door, seeing her daughter's mess of curls blocking her face as Noelia was curled up on the couch, TV still on. Amelia spent probably 10% of her energy trying to convince Noelia to cut her hair, never successfully. She finally flipped on the light switch, beginning to pull off her shoes, noticing for the first time Noelia wasn't alone. She screeched, running and grabbing the arm of the man on the other side of the couch, pulling him up to his feet as his green eyes burst open.

Green?

"GET AWAY FROM MY-Rafael?" Amelia's raised fist started shaking; she slowly lowered her arm.

"Oh, hey, mami." Noelia sat up. "So Papi's detectives brought me in for questioning, he drove me home, and we apparently fell asleep watching House."

"What? Why were you questioning my daughter?" Amelia snapped, recovering from her shell shock. She couldn't get over how good Rafi looked - he'd hardly aged at all.

"Why was our daughter at a fraternity house?"

"She was-mija you never said Andrew lived in the house." He head snapped towards Noelia.

"I never said he didn't - my exact details were he lived in campus housing, which is 100% true." Amelia's eyes narrowed. "But hey, let's not yell at me, I was playing Scrabble with a family friend, they're the ones who brought me in for hanging out with the wrong Andrew." Noelia continued, holding her hands up in surrender. "So...I'm going to bed… I'm grounded, I get that. Goodnight parents." Noelia leapt to her feet, moving down the hall.

"Amelia." Barba finally spoke. "I should be going. I...apologize for intruding in your home." He started to walk by her but she grabbed his wrist. He stopped suddenly, eyebrows raised.

"Rafi - Rafael. Do you...do you have any intentions of having a relationship with Noel?" Amelia fidgeted. "Because that's fine, of course, but I...she's finally starting to like New York, and I'm not home enough to be able to deal with teenage rebellion."

"I don't know, Amelia, you seem to forget I had no idea I had a child until about 30 days ago. I don't know what she wants." He responded quietly, looking down at Amelia's hands, which were clenched together nervously.

"I mean, what did you want me to do, Rafael? I was twenty, I was in school, you were just out of law school. You weren't going to marry me. It made more sense to move to Ohio, lower cost of living. I found an LPN job, got my BSN in a night program. It was… what was best. For both our lives." She sighed, rubbing her eyes together. It was so late, she had no idea how he was so alert.

"You didn't give me a choice, Mel. How could you take that away from me?" Mel. A nickname. Her eyes watered, her chest aching at the memories of their past. Of all the times he'd called her Mel.

"Rafi, you hate babies. I don't like them either. Lia, she's… I could never have chosen not to have her. I couldn't… I was so afraid…"

"That I'd want you to get an abortion?" Rafael asked, his tone neutral.

"Yes." She said quietly. "And as she got older...Raf, she's so much like you. They put her in remedial reading class in 1st grade because she was sarcastic with the test taker for treating her like a child. She was reading sixth grade books in first grade remedial reading because she's a smart ass." Mel rolled her eyes, going on. "She negotiates everything - allowance, curfew, she's convinced teachers to give her extra points to boost her from A-'s to A's. She won district wide writing contests in 9th grade. She's amazing, Raf. And I… I never wanted her to doubt that by allowing the chance you wouldn't want anything to do with her." Amelia looked down at her watch. "It's so late. Look...I'm not going to pretend like I can stop you two from seeing each other. You're her father, and both of you are too stubborn for me to pretend like I can stop you. I just…" Amelia sighed. ""You broke my heart, Rafael. Please don't break hers." She spoke quietly, taking a step towards Rafael though looking down at her hands.

"I...I don't know what kind of father I would have been at 25." He finally said somberly. "But now that we're here, it would be unreasonable for me to pretend like the two of you aren't in New York." He pulled out his wallet, finding a personal version of his business card-one with his cell phone number on it. "Let me know if you need anything."

"What are you going to chaperon her model U.N. trip to D.C.?" Amelia asked, shaking her head.

"Wait...we live in New York. Why does the model U.N. go to D.C.?"

"That's what I said!" Amelia giggled. Barba's eyes lit up briefly, before they both frowned at each other, as though suddenly realizing how long it'd been since they were in the same room. Since before their child had been alive.

"Goodnight, Rafael." Amelia said, holding her hand out formally. Barba took it.

"Goodnight, Amelia."

Rafael walked down the five flights of stairs to the street, looking at his phone. He only had a few hours until he had to work. The car he drove was still parked in front of the building - thankfully, given he hadn't truly checked to make sure it was a good spot. He hopped in to get back home and freshen up before going to work. He frowned, reflecting on everything that had happened. He had a daughter. He had figured that out previously, had seen her face, but had no idea what she was like. Noelia had been like a second cousin - someone you knew existed, but without any context in his mind.

Amelia was back in the city. He thought back to when they had briefly been together - though "together" wasn't really the correct label. Sleeping together?

Amelia had been a younger sister to one of the people Rafael had hung around. She was five years behind in school - just starting high school as he was in college. It was a weird age gap - when they were younger they were from different worlds. Even when he'd graduated law school and was working, she was still in undergrad. She couldn't drink, couldn't go out to certain clubs. Now the gap was laughable - he had friends married to women 10, 15 years their junior.

After his father had passed away, Amelia sought him out. She knew how poor their relationship had been, but still argued that it was his father, that he was probably more upset than he let on.

" _I know you think you're happy now, Rafi, but I don't think you are."_ Her voice rang through his memories. " _Dying is easy, thinking that it solves problems is easy. But you won't get to show him when you're a judge how successful you are. I really think that's going to bother you, and I think it's better to address it now than hide your feelings."_

He'd scoffed at her at first. She was a double major - psychology and nursing. The definition of a bleeding heart. She made problems where she wanted to see them. She wanted to help people who were broken, and he wasn't.

" _Seriously, Mel, like I'd care about him."_

" _Really, Rafael? You're honestly telling me the Ivy League school and law school, leaving New York and then coming back, none of your motivations have been to show him who you are? That you're extraordinary? Everything you've done is completely independent of your dad being a controlling, high expectations-having asshole?"_

" _SHUT UP!"_ Barba had snapped at her, then blinked. It was so rare for him to truly lose control. Amelia didn't react; she had just stared at him, brown eyes wide, unjudging. He had sighed, turning away from her, looking out the window of his apartment. She had slid her arms around his waist from behind, hugging him.

" _Baarrrrbbbaaaaaa_ ," she'd sing-songed, burying her head into his back. " _Look, I'm not gonna force you to talk about this. The funeral just happened,_ tu mama _is still a mess. I'm just forcing you to think about it. Now, on that note, do you want me to leave, or do you want to do something? We can play cards, go to the movies. Do you wanna see Super Troopers? It looks stupidly funny, that's good, right?"_ She'd said, nudging him. He turned around. She'd kept her arms loosely around him, like they were dancing.

He'd smirked at her, placing a hand on her cheek. Her smile had fallen, her eyes looking at him curiously. He'd pulled her towards him, pressing his lips to hers.

Present day Barba shook his head, clearing the memory from his mind as he finally parked the car in the lot where it belonged, walking the last few blocks to his house. It was still before dawn, but the birds had started to chirp - preparing for the rising sun. He finally got to his apartment, collapsing on the leather couch. He wondered how long he could sleep before someone from his office or SVU called him in. He made the note to say he was working for home before falling asleep.


	3. Discussion

**A/N: So I'm a busy law student who started writing this to procrastinate writing a legal memorandum. Thanks for reading!**

Present Day

"What have we got?" Liv asked as she walked out of her office, looking at Carisi and Rollins staring at a board with pictures of the victims.

"Well, we went back to the frat - Nowling wasn't there, but we did find some kiddie porn on a flash drive in his room. He's a super-senior so he's one of the only guys there with his own room." Carisi explained. "We got fingerprints and DNA, they're off at the lab to be tested against the rape kits, we still don't have any clue who the accomplice is though."

"And we've talked to the other boys in the house? To the other boy we had in custody yesterday?" Liz asked.

"Yeah, Lieutenant, no one knows. According to their president they didn't even want Nowling to get in three years ago - he's a legacy, both father and brother, and the dad donates too much money for them to have said no." Rollins said, shrugging her shoulders. "The girls still don't know anything. Carisi and I were gonna go to talk to the new name that Lia gave us yesterday, she just texted us to say that she and the new vic were going to go to lunch outside of school at around 11:30."

"So we're going to ignore Barba's daughter leaving school so we can meet a witness? Why don't we just go to the school?"

"I mean, we can go earlier if you want to, Liv, but if this girl hasn't come forward even with everything on the news, I don't think the we got your name from your friend is going to go over well without Lia there to make things better." Rollins countered. Liv sighed.

"Fine. Go meet with Noelia and the new vic at the time you've decided. But someone warn Barba - we need to tell her mother if we're talking to her."

"I'll text him." Carisi said, taking his phone out. _Hey, we're meeting Lia at her lunch to interview the vic she knows. Liv wants u to tell her mom._ "Done."

"Okay, in the meantime see how long until we can get the DNA from Warner. Let's get this guy before he strikes again."

Lia sat in pre-calc, quietly texting the girl she'd seen at the school with Nowling. She'd been instantly suspicious seeing an adult at a high school basketball game. The girl's was Penny, and she was an eighth grader - Lia only knew her name because she came to the high school for music lessons. She was short, very thin, and honestly still looked more like eleven than 13. Lia's teacher droned on about something related to functions? Probably? Math wasn't her strong suit.

Lia liked to research and write, particularly persuade. Her life goals included muddying other people's perceptions of reality - convincing the kids with hippie parents that their views couldn't save the world, convincing those from conservative backgrounds that such policies could result in needless hardship in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. She asked a million questions in class, and was never shy about her opinions.

The bell finally rang. She jumped to her feet, shoving her books in her bags quickly and walking out the door. Thankfully this wasn't a class period where she had friends with her - no one seemed particularly interested in her urgency. She shoved her backpack in her locker, keeping only her small wallet before slipping out one of the doors of the school unnoticed.

It's not like she regularly broke rules. Only rules that were unnecessary, like the ones that dictated not being allowed to leave school grounds for lunch. 1) Half the school walked or took the subway to school, so they were already at risk of danger, and 2) it created a Cafeteria monopoly for lunch. While the school did have healthy, decent tasting meals (due to an unreasonably aggressive PTA), sometimes a cheap, delicious city hotdog or gyro was much more appealing to young minds, namely that of Lia.

She sprinted across the street - it was only two blocks to the middle school, where she stood by a side door, pulling her phone out. A moment later, Penny came out.

Lia frowned. Penny was pale - terrified of what they were going to do.

"Hey, girl, everything is going to be okay. Promise." She said, taking the younger girl's hand and sneaking along the road before they came to the coffee shop she'd texted Carisi about. Lia ordered the two of them vanilla bean frappuccinos - even though she was already a caffeine addict, she didn't want to risk the detectives seeing her already a slave to coffee. Carisi and Rollins came a minute later, right on time.

"Hey, girls." Rollins said, smiling. Lia liked Carisi and Rollins - they seemed pretty nice, given the kind of things they had to see on a regular basis.

"Hey, detectives, this is Penny." Lia said, taking a sip of her frappuccino.

"Hey, Penny. So why don't you tell us a little bit about what's happened recently?" Amanda said, pulling up a chair. The younger girl fidgeted, looking to Lia and then back.

"I… I met this guy, online. He said he was a ninth grader at Manhattan Heights - that's why I wanted to talk to him, because I'll be going there next year." Penny said, staring down at her cup. "He sent me a picture of what he said was him." She pulled out her phone, showing a picture of a young boy - smiling, baseball bat in hand. "I know not to talk to strangers on the internet, but he talked about real people - girls I know who graduated from school last year, about sports and stuff. He knew _so much._ " Penny enunciated, looking down again.

"Go on, Penny." Carisi said, leaning forward as his brows knotted.

"Well… I went to meet him. At a basketball game. When I went to the school, I texted him to make sure we were in the right place and I was grabbed." Penny's lip began to quiver.

"Shh, it's alright." Carisi said. "This is hard, we know. Did you tell your parents what happened?"

"And tell them what?" She asked, suddenly panicked. "That I did everything I was taught not to do? And got...and they…" Penny took a deep breath. "Why would they do that to me? I'm just a little girl."

"Penny, we need you to talk to your parents, so we can get your official statement. You're not the only one he's done this to, and we need to get him. We need to keep you girls safe." Penny looked over at Lia, who'd been sitting quietly, her hands folded in her lap.

"Penn, there are other girls. We need to figure out who these guys are." Lia said, shrugging. "It sucks, but better have closure now then wonder what ifs forever, right?"

Penny nodded slowly. "I'll talk to my parents after school." She decided finally, drinking a little more of her frappuccino.

"That's really brave of you, Penny." Rollins said, looking the teen in the eye. Lia stood up first.

"We need to get back to our schools before someone notices we're gone. If you guys need me for anything else let me know if I can help." Lia said, offering her hand out for Rollins and Carisi to shake.

"Thanks for your help, Baby Barba." Carisi said. Lia smiled at the adults before looping her arm with Penny and walking her back to the middle school.

"Dude, you're so brave. I have no idea how you managed to do that." She said to Penny before slipping into the door of the school. Conveniently, there were bathrooms right outside of the front door of the building - all they had to do was slip in and out without anyone noticing them actually entering the school. Giving one last high five to Penny - Lia hated hugs - she snuck back out the door in plain view to get back to her own school.

"So let me get this straight, you made Noelia and a victim truant so you could talk to them? And in what universe did this seem like a good idea?" Barba asked later in the squad room, having come down to ream Carisi after his casual text. "Penny is a minor! Both of them are minors!"  
"Counselor we haven't even arrested anyone yet, there's no one to even say the investigation is unfair!" Carisi countered, shaking his head. "Did you tell Lia's mom we saw her? Benson really doesn't want her left out of the investigation."  
"...No. I don't have her number." Barba finally mumbled, gathering up the papers to put back in his briefcase to head to his office.

"What? You didn't get her number when you realized you had a kid?"  
"I didn't exactly seek her out, Carisi. I gave her my card with my cell, she didn't give me her number."

"Well did you get it from Lia?"

"...I don't have Lia's cell number either."

"Barba! You're telling me I, random detective, have _your_ kid's number and you don't?" Carisi looked at him dumbfounded. "I mean with all due respect, it's not like she was born yesterday. What if she needs you?"

"She's made it this far without me." Barba mumbled, grabbing his briefcase. "I have other cases to prepare. Let me know when you actually have something useful." Carisi just stared at Barba's retreating figure, shaking his head.

Barba walked back out to the street, catching a cab to take him back to his office. Not only had Amelia and her daughter come into his life suddenly, now Noelia's involved in an investigation?

Not to mention that Mel now worked in Manhattan - what if he had to call her to the stand for a case? Would he have to recuse himself every time?

He was being selfish. He'd already tried a case with her as a medical provider with no notice of the name of the SANE nurse and its familiarity. Besides, the fact that she'd gotten a job at a private hospital was a big deal - those types of forensic nursing positions were typically through rape crisis centers, not individual hospitals.

Once back in his office he busied himself with work, preparing for backdated trials, looking at discovery requests. He worked through lunch, finally getting a text at about 3 p.m.

 _DNA match is in from Warner. Perp still hasn't been home. Can we get a warrant for his financials?_ From Benson.

 _Yes, I'll draft and get it to a judge now._ He responded, continuing to busy himself. His phone buzzed again.

 _Ay yo, Padre. Detective Carisi said you didn't have my number, so here it is._ The message read. He ignored it, going back to his work before it buzzed again. _Btw, my last name is unsurprisingly hyphenated Barba-Silva. I figured you're pro Full Name Contact Listings_

He stared at the screen, shaking his head.

 _Shouldn't you be in school?_ He texted back, setting his phone back down. It buzzed a minute later.

 _School ends at 2:30, silly. Mami and I are walking to that burrito stand on 125._ Barba frowned.

 _125th is a pretty long street. East or West?_ He text back.

 _Ha ha. W, by 5th ave._ Barba glanced at his window. That was only a couple of blocks away.

 _Want company?_ He texted back. He needed to talk to Mel anyway, since Noelia kept butting her nose into the case despite being a teenager and very obviously not a detective.

 _Sure!_ Barba slid his suit jacket over his shoulders, putting his phone in his pocket. He nodded to his secretary as he walked out, letting her know he would be back shortly.

The walk to the food stand was quick; the sun was shining despite the cold air. He spotted the duo before they saw him - Amelia with her short ponytail, Noelia with her mane of curls.

"Ladies," he called out, deciding that would be less odd than their rhyming names.

"Padre!" Noelia called, gesturing for him to join them at the end of the line. "How's your day going?"

"It was going well before I heard you were cutting school to hang out with some SVU detectives." He said. Noelia's face fell.

"What exactly were you doing cutting school?" Amelia's eyes narrowed as she looked towards her daughter.

"Geez you guys are tense. One, I was skipping LUNCH. Lunch is not school. Two, I was helping get the bad guys off the city streets, it's not like I was off doing drugs. I even got a vanilla bean frappuccino. I didn't even skip school to get the caffeine or carbonation that my school condemns as the devil." She replied before her mom ordered their food.

"Rafael, do you want anything?" Amelia asked. Rafael told the food truck employee what he wanted, pulling out his wallet.

"No, Rafael, you joined us, you're a guest." Amelia said, waving him off. Upon getting their food and walking to a nearby park to sit, Rafael pulled Amelia beside.

"Okay? I'll just hang out on this bench then?" Noelia said, frowning as they stepped to the side.

"Yes, Rafael?" Amelia asked, taking a small bite of her food, looking up.

"The detectives wanted me to talk to you about Noelia's involvement in this case. Apparently she knew a victim who hadn't come forward." Rafael explained. Amelia frowned. "I'm concerned because the perp lives in that frat house from the other night - you should be given the chance to keep her from getting involved in case something were to happen." Rafael watched as Amelia's eyes glazed over, deep in thought.

"Amelia?" He asked, touching her hand. She jerked as though he'd shocked her before looking back into his eyes.

"I'm worried about her, but at the same time who am I to stop her if she's giving useful information? To put away someone hurting young girls?"

"You're her mother." He deadpanned, looking at her like she was losing her mind. "It's your job to tell her no when she's doing something completely unreasonably. She's a child."

"Well, I guess I know your opinion of the matter." Amelia snapped back, glaring. "No need to be difficult. Tell your detectives not to talk to her."

"They're not _my_ detectives, Mel." He snapped back. They both looked over to Noelia - happily on her phone, clearly taking selfies.

"Should I just go down there with her then? See if they need her for anything else and then be done with it?"  
"She's not a suspect." He replied curtly.

"She's also not an infant, Rafael. My abuela was _married_ by fourteen in Puerto Rico. It seems ridiculous to me to treat her like a china doll."

"And it seems ridiculous that you're acting like she's an adult." Ignoring Barba's sharp retort, she took a deep breath, taking another bite of her burrito. He stared at her expectantly.

"Okay. You're right. She's not an adult." Amelia finally admitted. This almost irritated him further - this was just like her. Avoiding conflict.

"You're not agreeing with me, you're just trying to get me to stop talking." He snapped at her.

"Rafael you're being ridiculous. Do you want me to write it out? Get a notarized letter? I won't let the detectives talk to Noelia. Done. See? Everything is fine." She reached out to place a hand on his shoulder and he slipped from her grasp. "You're making a scene."

"You're avoiding the topic and trying to mitigate the situation with comforting gestures."

"You're overreading this situation. _I'm_ having a nice early dinner with my daughter." Barba's phone buzzed. Olivia.

"I have to go." Rafael said, placing his phone back in his pocket. Amelia sighed.

"Okay. Go say bye to Noelia, we'll discuss this later." They walked back to the bench, Amelia sitting down.

"Hey, how was your pow wow?" Noelia said, having finished her burrito, smashing the foil into a ball.

"Good. Hey, I need to get to SVU. I came to say bye." Rafael replied, feeling awkward. He was reminded how rarely he had to speak to children.

"No problem, pops. Have fun at work." She said, smiling. Rafael glanced at her mother, who avoided his gaze, before turning to the street, hailing a taxi to get him across Manhattan.


	4. The Viewing

**January, 2001**

Rafael Barba loved suits, but at all costs avoided black ones. In his mind, they were made for the express purpose of going to funerals. Unsurprisingly, it was exactly where he was headed.

He looked down at his watch, calculating how long it would take him to get to the funeral home from his flat.

He kept looking at himself in the mirror, as though the second he looked away something would dramatically change. He almost thought he didn't look disheveled enough - no bags rested under his eyes, his skin having a healthy amount of color. His father died. His father was dead.

Granted, he never had a particularly great relationship with his father. Miguel Barba was the definition of manipulation. Nothing Rafael did was ever good enough - no amount of grades, friends, or accomplishments. Miguel would go on about how abrasive Rafael's personality was; that he could never be successful with the way he acted. Miguel was sweet to his mother - until she came home a moment late, or didn't have dinner on the table the moment he got home from work. No matter that Lucia was working hard to help the school district - her job was to be a wife.

" _Family first, Rafael, don't forget that when you find a wife."_ He'd snap at Rafael as Lucia would run into the house to start whipping up dinner. " _Don't let yourself starve because tu esposa doesn't know how to get home on time._ _Then again, why would you get married? Why would anyone want to deal with you, eh?"_ Miguel would chuckle, taking another sip of his beer while Rafael clenched his fists, doing homework at the kitchen table to be by his mother.

Miguel was rarely physically abusive - he's occasionally slap Rafael, more to show dominance then cause pain. Rafael would sometimes see bruises on his mom's arms - mostly from being grabbed by a too-tipsy Miguel. But he'd never hit his wife - not abuse in a way that counted.

That was part of the reason Rafael had wanted to work for a prosecutor's office - he wanted to be able to help the victims whose tormentors teetered on the line between abuse and "misunderstanding." He wanted to try hard cases and win - to show that just because something is difficult, doesn't mean the action should be ignored.

He adjusted his cuff links, finally deciding there was no more reason to stall. He had to be there for his mother - she always viewed his father through rose colored glasses, and that hadn't changed.

He walked down the steps to the first floor of his building, pushing through the doors. It was awful outside - January, not cold enough to snow but no warm enough for rain. Slush filled the streets as sleet flew through the air. He angled the umbrella he brought with him to help the best it could.

The walk was short, yet still his toes were numb in his dress shoes as he walked up to the funeral home. It was unextraordinary - beige walls, a reddish border along the floor and ceiling. He could see the corner of the casket, peaking out from a threshold that lead to the other room.

"Rafael!" He heard his mother call, swept into her arms before he could say a word.

"Hi." He replied,placing his arms around her. She was shaking, but as she pulled away she smiled. His mother - a pillar of strength, regardless of how close she was to falling apart.

The room had various people from the neighborhood and family members. A line had formed to go up to the casket - he ignored it for the time being, making the rounds.

Thankfully some of his friends had come early. He should have felt more comfortable around them. He should have been able to take off the "brave face" he'd been showing his family, but at the same time he felt like he still needed to maintain an image. How _did_ he feel about his father's death?

Sadness wasn't the answer. Missing him didn't seem like a thought that would cross his mind. It felt less like pain and more like a hole - sitting in his stomach despite the weight off his shoulders. Like the stress of his father's existence just moved in his body. What was this?

Finally it was becoming strange that he hadn't yet approached the body. He went up, dropping to his knees on the kneeler placed before the casket. A quick Our Father then he opened his eyes, looking at the corpse in front of him. A physical form that meant nothing now. Hands that caused him to flinch when they were raised would never move on their own volition. The green eyes - the ones that matched his own, would never see the light of day. What a concept.

He made the sign of the cross before standing up, going back over to his mother. He hugged her again, waiting patiently for her to pull away.

He looked at the clock - it was an hour into the two hour viewing, with the second being later that evening from 6-8. He heard someone clear their throat; he looked down to see he had zoned out.

Amelia Silva stood before him, respectfully dressed in a black dress with black tights and flats.

"How are you, Rafael?"

"Doing as well as I can." He replied politely. She tilted her head to the side, as though she didn't believe him.

"Are you staying with your mother?" She asked, her hands slipping behind her back. Her body language seemed nervous. He frowned a moment before shaking his head.

"No, I'm still staying at my apartment." He replied. Going back to his parents home now would be even weirder had he stayed there at all in the last seven years - even during undergrad and law school he avoided going home for any reason.

"Oh. I guess that's easier then?" She asked, her head tipping again. He didn't understand why she was so curious.

"Yeah." He said, stretching the syllable. She smiled, before shyly sliding away towards her parents, who were off talking to one of Rafael's uncles. Rafael frowned, moving across the crowd.

"Hey, what's up with Julio's sister?" He asked Alex Munoz, who stood with Eddie and Yelina.

"What do you mean?" Alex replied,looking over towards Julio's family.

"She's acting strangely." Rafael replied, shrugging.

"You mean besides the fact that she's in love with you?" Yelina said with a smirk on her face.

"Umm….what?" Rafael scoffed, looking back again at Amelia, who seemed to peek at him from the corner of her eye before looking away quickly.

""Rafi you seriously are going to pretend you haven't noticed she's turned red around you for the last decade? I'm pretty sure you were the first boy she ever had a crush on." Yelina continued. Rafael looked at the two other men, who shrugged their shoulders.

"No opinion." Alex said,looping his arm around Yelina. "Why, are you interested? You could use a girl now that you're back in New York." Yelina narrowed her eyes at him.

" _Mi amor,_ this is not the time or place." She said, gesturing. The mood sombered.

More small talk, more polite conversation. Going on about the "fond memories" of his father; lamenting over his "future children not getting to know their grandfather." Rafael went through the motions, finally grabbing his umbrella to walk back to his apartment.

"Rafael!" He heard a voice call him, he stopped, watching as Amelia tiptoed through puddles to avoid splashing, trotting over to him. "Hi."  
"Yes?" He replied,holding the umbrella out to cover them both from the sleet which had warmed into rain.

"I just...really. How are you?" She asked, once again looking up to him. She wasn't that much shorter - maybe four or five inches, but Rafael felt like he towered over her.

"I'm fine? As I told you before?" He said, looking at her like there was something wrong with her.

"Umm. My parents plan on going to the second viewing again. Do you want company in the meantime? I can make you lunch. If we go to my house I have rice and pork chops - I can make them more Cuban, but they won't be as good as your _abuelas._ "

"You're not Cuban, Amelia." He replied, a slight smirk on his face. He did just plan on going home - his mother was with his father's family, a situation he'd excused himself from, claiming he had work to do during the break.

"Eh, it's just cooking with some different vegetables. I think I can figure it out." She smiled, reaching her hand out and touching his wrist. He found it so strange how easily she could casually touch people - he'd noticed the way she's gently touched his mother's arm that day while giving condolences, how she'd nudge her brother whenever she wanted his attention throughout their youth.

"I should have everything you need at my flat. I only live a few blocks away." He said, cocking his head in the direction he was headed. A grin spread across her face.

"Okay." She said, walking in pace with him as they went down the street and then up the stairs in silence. Well, sort of - she had a habit of humming quietly. She didn't even seem to notice that she was doing it.

They finally got to Rafael's door, which he swung open - two deadbolts with different keys.

"Two locks? This isn't that bad of a neighborhood." She pointed out. He just shrugged.

"Better safe than sorry." He replied, opening the door. Her eyes widened as she walked in. The apartment was deceptively nice - cherry wood bookshelves filled with books - from law school textbooks to a worn copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird._ She went over to the shelves, sliding her fingers along the spines of the more familiar titles. She looked at the leather couch in the center of the room, feeling the soft leather, looking at a desk tucked in the corner by a window.

"It's so beautiful." She said, before walking over to the kitchen. "Can I find everything or do you not want me opening cabinets?" She said, holding her hands up innocently.

He found her a small rice pot, a skillet and let her dig through the fridge and pantry for food. She started happily and quickly chopping vegetables, humming.

"Do you have a radio, Rafael?" She asked, looking up at him. He nodded, turning on a stereo, filling the air with a spanish music station familiar to them both. She smiled, singing quietly as she started to cover the pork chops in flour to fry them.

Rafael sat at the small two person table near the kitchen, staring at the door, lost in thought. Why did he even bring her here? It supposed it was convenient - better than being alone. Besides, she had wanted to come. Why wouldn't he take her kindness?

" _Como estas?"_ She asked, breaking his concentration. His eyes met hers.

"Good." He replied, sighing. "Just...thinking. It's been quite a day."

"I'm so impressed by how you're handling it." She said honestly, beginning to fry pork chops, stirring the rice. Rafael didn't respond, looking back to the door. A few minutes later she brought over two plates of food, sitting across from him.

"Do you always cook meals for people you hardly know?" He asked with a grin, taking a bite of the rice. She rolled her eyes at him, poking at her food. "Thank you, this is good." He said, cutting into the pork chops.

"You're welcome. Do you cook? Since you had all the ingredients?"

"God no." He replied, shaking his head. " _Abuelita_ comes over with groceries, insisting that I have 'real food' in the house. Normally she'll bring it on Sundays, drop in mid-week, realize I haven't cooked anything and then make enough meals to last me through the weekend. Repeat."

They ate mostly in silence, Rafael thinking about what Yelina had said. Everything about this situation was odd - Amelia hardly spoke, always looking lost in her own thoughts. Yet here she sat in his apartment.

"Do you want more? There's more rice still." She said as Rafael had almost cleared his plate. He hadn't realized that he went the whole day without eating. He couldn't remember the last time he ate. Did have he have dinner yesterday?

"Sure," he said, standing up. She stopped him, taking his plate and adding more food before sitting back down. He continued eating as she cleared her own plate and starting doing dishes.

"You don't have to do that, you know." He said, watching her.

"I mean if my options are doing dishes here or going home and praying the rosary, I'm pretty happy here." She said.

"You don't want to pray in memory of my father?" He said, trying to hide the sarcastic tone in his voice. Her brow furrowed.

"Rafael… I know you and your father had a poor relationship."

"And how exactly would you know that?"

"You don't think anyone ever noticed that no one ever slept at your house? You'd come to our house, or Julio would say you stayed at Alex's. No one ever went to your apartment." She pointed out, looking at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He opened his mouth then closed it. He didn't have a counter argument. She didn't try to push him further; just took his mostly empty plate from in front of him, finishing the dishes and packing up the small portion of leftover food in the fridge.

"There's still about an hour and a half until the next viewing. Would you like me to go?" Amelia asked, walking towards the door. "I can stay - we can play cards. Or just read. Or pray. I don't know how you feel about being alone right now." She said, fidgeting. She never seemed to stand still.

He considered her choices. What would he do if he was alone for an hour and a half? The hole in his stomach seemed to grow, reminding him that despite his apathy towards his father being gone, he still was feeling _something._ He sighed.

"Rummy?" He asked, going over his desk and pulling out a deck of cards. She nodded, sitting down again and smiling.

Her shyness seemed to evaporate as they played - their competitive natures both came out, teasing each other over holding valuable cards. When the time came for them to go to the second viewing, Rafael was winning by a hair - their running tally was 250 to 235.

"Two more hours." She said as they stood. He understood what she meant - the burial was two days later. This was the last opportunity to ever see his father''s body. Shaking the thought out of his head, he lead her down the stairs, holding the umbrella over the two of them as they walked back to the funeral home.

 **A/N: An explanation for people who aren't latino/know latino people (since some of you are from outside America! Hi everyone!), I'm trying to explore themes here that being a 1st/2nd generation immigrant/American face,such as: being a traditionally "good wife," when adhering too closely to that culture is dangerous, gender roles, etc. So if you're like "why is Amelia being so weird in this chapter," that's kinda why? I'm a second generation immigrant (Puerto Rican, my grandparents came over before my mom was born) and it's weird the dichotomy between "you should always get your boyfriend/husband his food first and you can't eat until he's been served and you should be quiet and listen to him" and the "I'm an independent woman and my place in society isn't defined by such matters"**

 **Sorry I hate long author's notes, I feel like it takes away from the story, but I wanted to make the cultural references pretty clear because I think they're important, particularly to Barba's character after the "October Surprise" episode.**


	5. Rebel

**Present Day**

Amelia watched Barba's retreating figure as he got into the cab, shaking her head. God, he was difficult. He always had been. Rafael was never afraid to speak his mind or be abrasive. It was something that she'd always admired about him.

" _Mija_ let's go home." She said, nudging Noelia, who stood up.

"What just happened?" Noelia asked, tossing the wrapper of her food in a trashcan they walked by.

"Rafael is just concerned about you being involved with this investigation, it could put you in danger." She explained as they walked to the nearest subway station to get home.

"There's a rapist on streets! I'm already in danger." Noelia countered. Amelia shook her head, linking her arm with her daughters as they made their way home. Amelia had a day off that night - which is always strange, trying to go to sleep at a normal when time she was used to going into work at 7 p.m.

Noelia skipped off to her room to do homework - she always insisted that in order to have the best study experience, she needed to be at her desk, lamp on, in the most controlled environment she could. There were studies that said it was the best situation to learn in.

Amelia sat down on the couch, grabbing the throw blanket and throwing it over her legs. She tried to ignore the wave of thoughts that were going through her head.

It had taken half an argument with Rafael to turn her back into a shy college kid, trying to avoid confrontation. Noelia had no trouble convincing people to talk about themselves - she enjoyed pushing people to talk about the things they needed to get off their chest, regardless of whether or not they knew those things were even there. But anything that required her own opinion - something aside from prying for information, it was hard for her to talk. It was the biggest problem with her and Rafael's brief relationship. She doted on him, exhausting herself with a weak smile plastered on her face. When he called her out on being so spineless, she simply denied the problem.

And how was he wrong? Considering she'd run away instead of risking him finding out about Noelia.

The thoughts were still swarming as her breathing slowed. Despite it being the middle of the afternoon, she fell asleep.

Noelia waited until she heard the shuffling in the living room stop; she knew her mother would quickly fall asleep the second they got home. Her mom got so little sleep regularly she could hardly sit on the couch without passing out. Noelia changed quickly, applying some makeup to her face. She stared at her phone for two more minutes, before opening her window, quietly stepping onto her fire escape and scurrying down to the ground floor.

Yeah, she figured between the conversation with her mom and a text from Carisi ( _Hey kid, your dad doesn't want us bugging you about this case, it could put you in danger and he's right)_ that no one was going to let her do anything. But that was ridiculous. She knew Penny was on her way to SVU, and she wanted to be there for her friend. Besides, worst case scenario they just drive her back home again. She was already in trouble for multiple counts of sneaking out of school and hanging out at frat parties, what was another few months of grounding?

She hailed a cab, telling him where to go with confidence. The convenient thing about hitting puberty at a relatively young age is she could easily pass for eighteen - all she had to do was speak clearly and concisely and people assumed she was an adult.

She watched as they passed the cars on the streets, each a flash of light. They were just barely beating the worst time of traffic - had she left ten minutes later her journey easily would have doubled. Upon arriving to the station, she paid the cab driver with the lunch money that she saved up. Always good to have some cash no one knew you had.

She hopped out of the cab, walking up to the doors and opening them. She pulled her hair back in a low ponytail, then moved quietly across the precinct. Convenient thing about being short - it was easily to slide around unnoticed. She suddenly saw that they had put pictures of the victims from the assaults on their board - she could see because they added a picture of Penny, with a little map of where she was attacked. Noelia forgot her desire to be stealthy, walking up to the board and placing a hand along the edge.

Something in her head clicked. She sprinted across the floor, going to Olivia Benson's office, knocking on the door. Without waiting for a response she opened the door, sliding it shut.

"Noelia." Olivia said, standing up.

"Have you talked to the athletic directors? Or the travel sports staff or whatever for the schools?" She blurted. Olivia looked at her confused.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, "what are you doing here?" Noelia simply opened the door, gesturing for Olivia to follow her.

"Look, look at these girls. None of the same schools right? Not even in the same district, right? BUT!" Noelia pointed at one of the pictures. "We're all in the same athletic division! I've seen all these girls at games before. This one plays volleyball; I play for the high school team but we go to tournaments with the middle school kids and I've seen her play. This one," she pointed again. "Her brother is that kid who might get a scholarship for Yale football, remember he was on the news? I've seen her at games when her brother's school slaughtered us. And Penny was attacked at a basketball game. Could I be right?" Noelia said. Benson's eyes scanned the board.

"I'll have someone look into it." Benson finally replied, before looking at Noelia again. "But really, what are you doing here? Where is your mother?"  
"I came because Penny is talking to one of the detectives and I wanted to make sure she was okay. And my mom's at home asleep." She said, shrugging as though it wasn't a big deal.

"Noelia, Barba said pretty clearly that he didn't want you involved in this." Benson countered. "Let me get you home."

"Well can I at least _see_ Penny? I want her to know I'm here for her before you shoo me back off to upper Manhattan." Noelia insisted. Benson sighed, guiding Noelia into her office.

"Stay here." She said, closing the door and walking down the hall to where Barba, Penny and her parents were in a room discussing what would happen from this point on in the case - testifying, talking about how Penny had been tricked into thinking it was someone her age.

"Counselor, can I borrow you for a moment?" Olivia asked, Rafael looking up.

"Sure. Excuse me for just a moment." Rafael said, standing and following Olivia out into the hall. "What's going on?"

"So, we might have a lead because Noelia came, took one look at the chalk board and noticed a connection between all the cases that none of us would have noticed without being a teenager in a Manhattan high school" Olivia said, looking exasperated.

"Wait, Noelia is here? Why?" Barba said, his shoulders raising as he took a deep breath, trying to hold his anger. "I just spoke to Amelia before I got here about keeping her out of it."

"I don't know if her mom knows, Barba, she said she was at home asleep." Olivia pointed out as Rafael power walked across the squad room, opening the door to Olivia's office.

"Explain what you're doing here." He ordered to Noelia, who looked up. Defiance flashed in her eyes.

"Um, helping? Being here for my friend?"

"You can't see her, Noelia, she's with her family. You can't just barge in here."

"Sorry that no one seems to want to console me in decisions that literally involve me."

"This is a police matter! This has nothing to do with you!" Rafael snapped at his daughter.

"How not if I can help?!" She countered, raising her voice.

"Barba!" Olivia finally interjected. "Look, I'll go get Finn and Dodds, I'll have them follow up on talking to the athletic directors like Noelia suggested. Noelia, you need to go home, and Rafael you need to talk down.

"I'll take her back." Barba said levelly. He wanted to show Amelia how ridiculous she was. Noelia was here and obviously didn't listen to her mother's advice.

"Barba you didn't drive here." Olivia pointed out, but Rafael ignored her and took Noelia's elbow, guiding her out of the precinct and out of the building.

"Seriously what are you doing? I can walk, I'm fourteen."  
"Exactly, just fourteen. Not old enough to be hanging out at police stations." He argued, hailing a cab and opening the door, practically pushing her in.

"Everything okay sir?" The driver asking, peaking in the rearview.

"Do you have children?" Barba replied under his breath, more to alleviate the tension with the driver than anything else. The driver chuckled.

"How old is she?"  
"I'm right here!"

"Fourteen." Barba said, ignoring Noelia's interjection.

" _Padre_ I literally don't understand why you're acting this way. I was helping!"

"We're not discussing this." Barba replied curtly, looking out the window. Noelia huffed, taking out her phone and furiously texting. After the short cab ride Rafael hopped out the cab, hardly waiting for Noelia as they began the trek up the stairs. Noelia practically ran to keep up with him. When he got to the stairs he stood there expectantly as she pulled out her house keys, opening the door.

Amelia had still been sleeping peacefully. Despite his dramatic door opening, Amelia hadn't moved. His face softened a bit - Amelia could sleep through a train. He shouldn't have been surprised the door opening wouldn't wake her.

"Amelia." He said clearly. She made a tiny grown.

"Rafi, just a few more minutes." She grumbled, curling up tighter in a ball.

"Mom!"

"What?!" Amelia jumped up, half her short hair falling out of its ponytail. "What's going on?"

"Did you allow her to come down to the station?" Rafael asked, crossing the room to stand in front of Amelia. She rubbed her eyes.

"No, she was doing homework in her room." She mumbled, still disoriented.

"It's not my mom's fault, I waited until she fell asleep and snuck out. I paid for a cab with my own money. Don't be mad at her." Noelia blurted out. Amelia looked at her daughter, frowning.

"Noelia… Please go to your room. Do not even think about going down the fire escape or I'll install a baby monitor in your room." Amelia said finally, not looking at her daughter. Noelia just slowly backed down the hallway, feeling unreasonably guilty, like she just got her mom in trouble. Her mom wasn't a bad mother...she chose to sneak out. And who was her dad for even acting like an authority figure? It's not like he'd been around.

Amelia looked at Rafael, sitting back on the couch.

"Thank you for bringing her back. I appreciate your time." Amelia said quietly, looking at Rafael. He sighed, sitting down beside her.

"What are you doing?" She asked, looking over at him. He watched her.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked. Amelia opened her mouth then closed it again.

"Sure." She finally said, grabbing her tennis shoes and sliding them on her feet. She slid a jacket over her shoulders. Rafael followed her out the door, locking it.

"I think I should be concerned about Lia." Amelia thought aloud as they walked through the door.

"I don't think she'd risk sneaking out twice in the same day." Rafael replied as they walked down the stairs. "These stairs alone are half the journey." He joked.

Amelia half smiled before they stepped out onto the street. Rafael put his hands in his pocket. It was about 50 degrees - cold, but not freezing.

"I shouldn't have snapped at you earlier." Rafael finally said as they crossed another street. "I… wouldn't let you agree with me. That was unreasonable."

"I appreciate your taking the time to apologize."

"But you don't accept?"

"...Yes. Thank you."

"You don't mean it." Barba said, adjusting his tie, sighing.

"I do. Really." She said, sliding her hands into her jacket pockets. They continued walking. They finally looped backwards towards her apartment.

"I...appreciate the silence." Amelia said as their journey came to an end.

"Yes...me also." Rafael replied. Amelia stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck. After the brief hug she pulled away.

"Have a good evening." Amelia said, smiling before turning and running up the stairs.

Rafael got a cab home. Was he being hard on Noelia? Amelia? Both? Was he simply too invested? They'd gone over a decade without him - was he overcompensating for 14 years of his opinions being ignored?

When he got home he had another message from Olivia. It turned out Noelia was right - the frat boy actually worked with the athletic director and could be traced to games with all the girls. They brought the director in for questioning and held him - they planned on holding him overnight so Barba could talk to the athletic director and their lawyer the next morning about a deal to find Andrew Nowling.

He decided against processing the information, doing some work before heading to bed without dinner. He didn't even think about eating. It felt like a hole was in his stomach, preventing him from feeling hunger.


	6. Encounters

**January 2001**

The second viewing was much harder than the first - Rafael watched as his mother cried. She would talk to someone, nodding through her tears, unable to hide her grief. He stayed closely by her side, silent. Thankfully people assumed his silence was part of his grief - he was known to run his mouth.

His friends weren't at the second viewing - he didn't blame them. Later showings were always more of a family thing. Some of the parents were still there - Alex's parents, Eddie's mother, Julio's parents were still present with Amelia at their side. He hadn't asked them come back, so he couldn't blame them.

He felt his mother taking his hand to guide him towards the casket. She wanted to go up as a family. His mother went up to the kneelers before the casket, leading him with her. She held his hand tightly as she prayed aloud; he kept his head bowed, listening to her prayers. She pleaded with God to keep Miguel safe; she thanked Him for the time they had together. She praised God for bringing her Rafael, who shared her husband's eyes and strong will.

Rafael felt the pit in his stomach grow. He should be crying. He should be thinking of words to share with his mother and God. But how much sincerity would those words hold?

She finally finished, saying one last God bless you. He repeated the words, letting go of her hand as she reached out, touching her husband's hand for the last time. As she pulled back, Rafael slid his arm around his mother's shoulders, guiding her back towards his grandmother.

A priest came up for the last half hour; talking about life and God, and about the memories of the Barba family in the church. Finally, it was over.

Everyone said their final goodbyes to Lucia, hugging her. Rafael smiled tight lipped beside her.

Rafael and Amelia's eyes locked as she and her family came up to say goodbye.

"God bless you." Amelia said as she hugged Lucia. Her mother and father did the same. As they went to walk away Rafael tapped her arm to stop her.

"Do you want to finish the card game?" he asked quietly. She nodded.

"Buzz me in in about an hour? It'll give me a minute to go change." She whispered. He nodded, turning back to his mother.

When the last guests filed out he said his goodbyes to his mother and grandparents. The burial was the next day - a smaller family event outside of the city. He promised to meet them the next morning, grabbing his umbrella to walk back home.

The January sky was gray - the sun had set but the thick clouds hid the night sky from view. He walked back to his building, stopping at a bodega on the way back and grabbing a couple bottles of cheap red wine. Once up the stairs, he changed from the black suit he despised into a comfortable t shirt and black drawstring pants - not loose enough to be sweatpants, but slightly nicer than pajamas. He took out two glasses, opening one of the bottles. A few moments later he heard the noise requesting someone be buzzed in.

"Oh hey " he joked as Amelia walked in, long hair no longer in its conservative bun, wearing a maroon track suit.

"Hey, I wanted to be comfortable. I'm amazed you don't sleep in a suit." She responded smiling. She saw the wine on the table.

"We're drinking?" she asked, sitting back at the table where they had left the cards.

"It sounded like a good idea." he replied, bringing the glasses over and sitting down as she shuffled the deck. She began to deal as Rafael took a sip from the glass.

Rafael picked up the first card, deciding not to keep it and flipping it over. They played a few turns silently before Amelia spoke.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked, looking up for a moment.

"How you rarely speak." He said, a slight smile on his face. "Weird that you'd want to be around me, given my reputation for never shutting up." She returned his smile.

"Being around loquacious people compliments my tendency to remain quiet. Besides, you haven't been talking much either, we've just been playing." He considered what she said.

"I suppose you're right… I guess I've appreciated the silence." He said thoughtfully, taking another turn. Her eyes lit up for a moment as she picked up a card, then quietly discarded another.

"Well that wasn't a tell." He teased.

"I have no idea what you mean." She replied, taking a sip of her wine. He discarded an ace, which she practically snatched from the pile before laying down her hand - all four aces, three tens, and a 3 card run.

"I'm sorry, did you just get negative points, Rafael? Did I just jump ahead of you by 85, notwithstanding the negative points in your hand?" She asked, grinning, pushing the deck towards him so he could shuffle.

"Gloating doesn't look good on you." He replied, finishing his glass of wine before taking the cards.

They eventually moved from the table to the floor near the couch, before sitting on the couch. It was past midnight so nothing was on television - repeats, psychic readers. Amelia had finally won rummy - getting to 500 points while Rafael had 450.

At about 3 a.m. Rafael opened his eyes, realizing they had fallen asleep. He'd slept half sitting, slouched over the armrest of the couch. Amelia laid by his side, her head rested against his leg, not quite in his lap. He shifted slightly, brushing a wave of hair that had fallen like a curtain in front of her face. She hardly moved.

"Amelia?" He spoke aloud, her voice hoarse with sleep. When she didn't react he shook her slightly. "Amelia?"

Her eyes fluttered a moment. "Am I dreaming?" She asked, closing her eyes again, shifting on the couch, her hand placing itself on his leg above his knee. He couldn't send her home this late; he would just wake her up when he left for the burial. He slowly moved from beneath her; as her head fell she opened her eyes.

"Why are you leaving?" She whined, rubbing her eyes with one of her hands.

"I'm just moving to bed, it's three in the morning." He explained, still rubbing his own eyes.

"Can I come?" She asked. "I want to be by your side."

What a strangely forward thing to come out of her mouth. The bottle and a half of wine combined with sleepiness clouded Rafael's judgment. This was a girl five years his junior - who legally, he shouldn't have even drank two bottles of wine with - who was also the little sister of one of his high school friends. On the other hand, he couldn't exactly kick her out at 3 a.m. He could let her have his bed and stay on the couch, or vice versa, but it was large enough for the both of them, and it couldn't be the worst thing in the world.

"Sure…" He finally said, running a hand through his mussed hair. She used her arms to push herself into a seated position, then finally stood, stretching. He walked her back into his room.

His bed was made, the floor clean. She waited until he climbed into the bed before joining him, collapsing besides him. She turned to face him, curling up. Barba laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling. It seemed like seconds until her breathing was once again even; she was asleep.

Rafael turned to face her, watching the way her shoulders rose and fell with each breath; the way she slept scrunched up to make herself small. What a strange situation he was in, sleeping in a bed with his friend's younger sister. His eyes grew heavy - he'd worry about consequences in the morning.

The alarm clock buzzed at 7:30; he had to be at his mother's in an hour to drive to the burial grounds. He groaned, reaching out and hitting the snooze button to gain another nine minutes before rolling back to face away from the alarm, his arm hitting another arm.

His eyes opened. He forgot Amelia was there. Two bottles shouldn't have been enough to get them drunk.

He then remembered she'd only had a couple glasses - he was the one who drank almost all of both bottles. Why did he do that?

He sat up, not knowing what to do. Wake her and kick her out? Shower first? He finally reached out, gently shaking her.

Her eyes fluttered and she shifted, grumbling.

"Amelia, we have to get up." He said, shaking her again. She finally looked at him before sitting up quickly, as though suddenly realizing where she was.

"What happened?" She asked, looking around.

"Well, we apparently fell asleep and decided to share a bed." He replied. "But I need to get ready for the burial, so…" He trailed off as she jumped up, sliding on her jacket - she'd taken it off in the middle of the night. He watched as her tan arms vanished inside its sleeves.

"I'm so sorry, I honestly thought I was dreaming when we came into your room." She said, heat rising to her face. She took a hair tie off her wrist, quickly braiding her long waves to resemble something less than bedhead.

"No, it's fine. I don't mind that you stayed. I shouldn't have drank so much." He said. "I'll walk you out - I need to get in the shower." He stood, walking her towards living room. Her shoes sat on the floor by the coffee table, she slipped them on her feet before walking to the door

"I hope today goes as well as it can." She said as she stood at the door, moving towards him and wrapping her arms around him in a hug. It was a strange sensation - Barba rarely hugged anyone besides his mother and grandmother. He was a much bigger fan of handshakes. But he couldn't deny how nice it was - she smelled like lavender, and as his arms went around her he felt the warmth of her skin through her clothes, the softness of her thick hair that cascaded to the middle her back. After a moment she pulled back, smiling, before walking through the threshold of the door.

"Goodbye," she said, nodding and turning away. He closed the door, locking it as he turned around to walk back to his room and get ready. As he got ready he thought of the properties of lavender; calming both in color and scent. He wondered how he went his whole life without realizing how much he enjoyed it.

The burial was uneventful. More tears from his family, tossing a handful of dirt on a grave he knew he'd never visit. He could hardly wait until he got back into Manhattan.

He and his mother parted ways, both making excuses about work they had to do. He knew she was going to bury herself in busy work, trying to turn her grief into something constructive. He simply went back to his apartment. He couldn't find words to console her; no need to stay there and be useless.

As he opened the door he saw the deck of cards still spread out on the floor, the wine glasses sitting on the coffee table. What a weird night.

He went to his bedroom, taking off the black suit and changing into grey dress pants and a warm, solid green sweater. He debated doing some work, but he didn't want to be on the Internet - the dial up would keep people from being able to call him and he wanted to be available in case his mom or grandparents called. He picked up a book from one of his shelves, trying to fill his brain with the plot of the novel. It was a typical John Grisham novel; something someone had given him in college when they found out he wanted to be a lawyer.

At 5:45 that night he heard a buzz from the front door. He hit the button on his wall, curious.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rafael, it's me - Amelia. Um. I brought you some food - nothing fancy, just some chicken and mashed potatoes. I didn't know if you'd eaten."

He looked at the call box, amazed that she would come back after such a strange morning. He hit the button to buzz her in, unlocking the front door as he heard it knock moments later.

"Hey," he said as she crossed the threshold with a glass baking pan in hand, wrapped with a towel and pressed against her torso. She moved past him to set it on the counter.

"Hi." She said, putting her hands in her coat.

"How far did you walk?"

"Oh, just from Hudson - they have a kitchen for kids in the dorm so I just made everything there instead of going to my parent's house. Anyway, I didn't mean to drop by unexpectedly, I'll get out of your hair." She turned towards the door but he took her wrist.

"You cooked enough for four people, Mel, stay and eat." He said, grabbing some plates. She stood beside him, awkwardly.

"You know we're not at your parent's house, Amelia, I'm perfectly capable of scooping some food onto a plate on my own." Rafael pointed out, doing just that. She shrugged.

"I know, it's just a hard habit to break, like my grandmother is going to burst through the door and throw a shoe at me." She replied, only half joking. They sat at at the table, Rafael grateful she'd come back - he hadn't even thought about dinner, and this was way better than whatever he would have come up with.

"What have you done today?" Rafael asked, trying to make conversation. She glanced up at him as though surprised by the question.

"Um. I went to my dorm, did homework. Went grocery was the service?" She asked, tilting her head and looking at him curiously.

"It was fine. What did you study?" Rafael felt almost determined to get her to say more than a few sentences.

"Just pharmacology. Is your mother doing okay?" She continued to change the subject. He exhaled.

"As well as she can be." He replied, giving up. He scarfed down his food, getting more, moving too quickly for Amelia to serve it. She simply stayed seated, watching him curiously.

Rafael began to talk about seemingly everything and nothing while eating - he commented on the chicken and how good it was, before telling her about a case he learned about where someone sued about the definition of chicken. He talked about his job - he'd gotten job offers in other cities but after so many years in Massachusetts he needed to get back to New York. He shared how with his first paycheck he went to go to Beauty and the Beast on Broadway - how he'd always wanted to go to more shows when he was younger but never got the opportunity. He discussed the important ties between theatre and the law - how being in a courtroom was almost like being in a play and an improvisation at the same time - learned responses to the actions of the other counsel, to the words of the witnesses. How important it was to control how you came across to the jury. He finally talked about how he wanted to be a judge one day. After an hour and a half they were out of food; he sat back, full, as she still sat before him, attentive with a slight smile on her face.

"Are you okay, Rafael?" She asked quietly, reaching across the table and placing a hand on his own. He pulled away from her, standing up and looking confused.

"Why do you keep asking me that?" He asked, going over and looking out the window at the city lights, the cars whizzing by below him on the street.

"Because I don't think you are. I think today was harder than you're letting on."

"What do you mean? I'm happy. I have a life, a career that I can grow in, my own place. I have everything I've ever worked for. You said it yourself - my dad and I didn't have a great relationship. It's not like that's affecting me. You're reading into something that isn't there." He didn't face her, continuing to look out the window. He heard her soft steps as she crossed the room.

"You really don't think you're affected by this at all?" She asked. He glanced back at her before looking back out the window.

"I'm not. I'm happy. Not that he's gone - I'm not a monster - but I'm not going to tell you I'm not happy because my asshole of a father isn't around anymore."

"I know you think you're happy, Rafael but I don't think you are. Dying is easy; thinking that it solves problems is easy. But you won't get to show him when you're a judge how successful you are. I really think that's going to bother you, and I think it's better to address it now than hide your feelings." Amelia exhaled; she hated being so verbose or abrasive. But she really cared about Rafael - she always had, for as long as she could remember. His mother pretended like he and her husband had a great relationship. Rafael's friends would never call him out on being unreasonable after his dad's death - Rafael was the rational one, the one who always had an opinion. No one would call him out on how he hurt, or what was going through his head. If no one would, and he was willing to listen, she might as well make sure he wasn't going to bury this problem and let it fester undealt with.

"Seriously, Mel, like I'd care about him." He said, glancing back at her. She frowned; he was trying to distract her by not using her name. To keep brushing this off.

"Really, Rafael? You're honestly telling me the Ivy League school and law school, leaving New York and then coming back, none of your motivations have been to show him who you are? That you're extraordinary? Everything you've done is completely independent of your dad being a controlling, high expectations-having asshole?" She watched his fists clench at his sides as she went through her speech. He turned quickly to face her.

"SHUT UP!" He snapped, then blinked. Amelia just stared, keeping her face as neutral as she could. He turned away from her and she gave him a moment to process. She followed his eyes out the window, out towards the city that never sleeps. Eight million people in this city, yet in the tenseness of the movement it felt like it was only the two of them there, despite the cars flying by.

She finally wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, hugging him. He didn't flinch.

"Baarrrbbaaaaaa," she sing-songed, burying her face against the soft gray sweater he wore. "Look, I'm not going to force you to talk about this. The funeral just happened, _tu mama_ is still a mess. I'm just forcing you to think about it. Now, on that note, do you want me to leave, or do you want to do something? We can play cards, go to the movies. Do you wanna see Super Troopers? It looks stupidly funny, that's good, right?" She'd said, nudging him. He turned around. She'd kept her arms loosely around him, like they were dancing.

She watched him smirk, a hand falling onto her cheek. Her smile fell; what was he doing? She felt herself being pulled closer, pressing his lips to hers.

Fireworks. She'd spent years wondering what it would be like to kiss Rafael - from the moment she was old enough to appreciate boys she'd admired him. She loved how he didn't need to be tall or unreasonably muscular to gain attention; he just drew it naturally. She loved the ways his green eyes showed expression, the way his lips twisted into a smirk.

Her hand moved up to the jaw she'd dreamt about touching; still smooth from his morning shave. She loved the feeling of his mouth; his lips neither thin nor too plump. She was experiencing sensory overload, but didn't want to risk pulling away and having it stop.

Rafael's fingers traced the waves of her hair. He breathed in the calming scent of lavender, focusing on the feeling of her lips on his, on the thick silk of her hair. This was a sudden development, sure, but it wasn't like she was a stranger. He'd known her almost his entire life. And she'd taken so much time out of the last two days to be there for him - whether he liked it or not. It was something they both wanted, so what could go wrong?

He moved his hands down to her legs, bending down and scooping her up by the backs of her thighs, making her straddle him. Her arms slid around his neck to keep her balance; he carried her to his bed, listening to her laugh as he moved his lips against a tickling part of her neck. Despite everything that had happened, their last conversation included, the hole in his stomach seemed to have dissipated; he felt like a whole person again, if even for a moment.


	7. Exploration

A/N: This chapter is a continuation of the last. Little plot, so if reading about sexual endeavors isn't your thing, head on over to the next chapter. I'm posting them at the same time so you don't have to feel left out if you're not a fan of this stuff :)

Also side note, as previously mentioned I'm a busy law student and write this in between homework assignments so I don't proof read it very well. I apologize for typos - I spell check but that obviously doesn't catch everything.

Rafael dropped her on the bed, crawling on top of her, fanning her hair away from his neck so his lips could touch every inch of her jaw and throat. She groaned beneath him, her hips arching up so their lower halves touched. He felt the tightening in his stomach as he became around, his hands reaching under her to grib her ass through her jeans. He felt her hands tug at the hair at the nape of his neck, holding on as though for dear life. He moved one of his hands forward, unbuttoning the top button of her jeans. He pulled back away from her, panting, slowly moving the zipper down, revealing the plain, white cotton thong she wore. He inhaled deeply, peeling the denim from her legs. He got up on his knees, unbuckling his belt as he looked down upon her, sliding out of his pants.

"Is this okay?" He asked, grabbing the back of his shirt by the neck and tugging it, pulling it off in one fluid motion.

She sat up, nodding, taking her own bra off and pulling the blouse she wore over her head. She was beneath him now, only in her panties. He admired the stark white of the fabric against her tan skin. His hand traced her breasts, his thumb pressing into her skin where she had tan lines.

"Tan lines in January?" He teased, smiling. She smiled back.

"San Juan for Christmas." She explained, watching as his hands cupped her breasts before moving down the curves of her waist to her hips. He slid his hand past the under, feeling her. He gently massaged her clitoris with his thumb, watching her writhe beneath him. Her eyes were closed as her back arched up involuntarily. He finally moved his hand back to her hips, slowly inching the remaining piece of fabric down her legs and off her feet. Her eyes opened as his moved up and down her body admiringly; her long legs, her tanned skin with its bikini lines, reminding him what he saw wasn't for everyone to enjoy. He kissing her, his tongue pressing against her lips, asking for permission to pass through; she opened, their tongues meeting, her nails lightly dragging down his back, begging him to bring his center to her own. As he bent his hips closer she pulled back a moment, looking down.

"You're still wearing boxers." She pointed out, her eyes going down between them.

"Do you want me to take them off?" Rafael asked quietly. She nodded, gently pushing his side to tell him to lay down. He placed himself on the bed on his back and she climbed on top of him, gently pulling off his boxers, a trail of soft kisses going down from his navel to the base of his penis. She took him in her hands, her tongue darting out and circling the head before she smiled.

"You're a tease." He accused, though smiling. She grinned back at him, crawling back and pressing their bodies together, her lips tugging at his ear. He growled, taking her and flipping her over. She giggled with mock offense.

"I wasn't done!" She said, hand reaching down to touch him. His head fell back and he took a deep breath.

"Don't you want to though?" He said, guiding her hand that held him towards her center, his penis finally touching her lower lips. She shivered, nodding.

"Yes. Please."

"Are you sure?" He continued to tease her now as she had him. She arched her hips up to his, wrapping a leg around him.

"Please." She begged, before he finally entered her. Her eyes closed; she felt complete, like the fireworks that she'd seen when they kissed has exploded and transitioned to a day on the beach, when the ocean air tasted like salt and the sun warmed you from head to toe. Her arms slid around him, her nails gently scratching his back as he moved inside her. She bit her lip to keep quiet; he probably had neighbors, and the last thing she needed was for them to hear her through the walls. He bent low as he continued to thrust inside her, his teeth scraping against her shoulder, low enough to where any hickey he left wouldn't be visible. She groaned at the sensation of his mouth against her skin; everything he did felt like the best thing she ever felt.

He stopped, shaking his head, before reaching over to the table beside his bed. How could he forget to put a condom on? That was so unlike him, the definition of careful. He'd gotten caught up in the moment. He tore open the wrapper, pulling it out and rolling the condom over his penis.

"Good idea." She said, watching him. One he was ready again he pulled her up into a sitting position.

"What do you want now?" He asked, his green eyes boring into her brown ones. She straddling him sitting up, putting him back inside her. Now in control, she closed her eyes again, focusing on the feeling between the two of them. She heard his breath hitch; he was definitely getting close and so was she. After a moment she felt his hands on her hips, lifting her off of him and turning her around so he was behind her. She reached back with one hand, holding his leg, making him go faster and faster until they both came, gasping for breath before collapsing down in the bed.

He was still behind her, an arm wrapped around her waist, his fingers tracing a path up and down her stomach. She exhaled deeply, her legs shaking in excitement. She felt the cold rush of air as he sat up, taking the condom off and throwing it away in his bathroom before coming back and laying back down. After a few peaceful moments he broke the silence.

"I'm pretty sure those are the most words I've heard you say at one time."

She gasped with a fake upset tone, rolling around to face him, pressing her mouth to his, her hand on his jaw. She couldn't believe what had happened. Her body still didn't want to recover; she didn't want to have to get up. Thankfully Rafael simply tugged the blankets out from beneath them and covered their bodies up again.

"What time do you have class tomorrow?" He asked, running his fingers through her hair, moving it out of her face.

"Ten." She replied.

"Good, I start work at nine. If I leave at 8:15 that still gives you time to go to your dorm and change before you have to go." Rafael said, always the planner. She smiled weakly, scooting herself closer to him. Their legs were intertwined as they faced each other. She fell asleep first - Rafael watched her chest raise and lower steadily with each breath. He brushed her hair from her face one last time before falling asleep himself, wishing the night wouldn't end.


	8. Abduction

"Lester, didn't know you were representing child rapists now. What, your 'murdered his girlfriend high profile rapper' still out of the country?" Barba asked as he sat down across from the athletic director, Charles Foster, and his attorney, Lester Cohen, who'd been the lawyer of Caleb Bryant, the rapper who beat up his girlfriend.

"Funny, Barba. Now what kind of deal are you offering?"

"That depends on what your client has to offer. Statutory rape, child porn, aggravated sexual assault. A trifecta of great offenses to put someone away for a long time." Barba said, folding his hands on the table and looking at the two expectantly. Watching the athletic director disgusted him; how many people had he abused before getting caught? He'd worked in that school system for at least the last twenty years.

"Look, I have a disease, I know that." The athletic director's eyes were rimmed red with tears; he looked like he hadn't slept in days.

"You raped children. Young girls. You're not gaining my sympathy." Barba said tonelessly, looking at Lester expectantly. The tattered appearance of the athletic director meant nothing to him. How could he feel such guilt for such a heinous crime when he was willing to do so in the first place?

"If we can help you track down Nowling, what are you offering?" Lester spoke again, glancing at the two way mirror where he knew the SVU detectives were standing before looking back to Barba.

"Plead guilty for all three, I'm giving you the opportunity of parole and concurrent sentences."

"Barba he'd still be in prison until at least his seventies if he's not parolled."

"Exactly, he gets a chance of maybe one day being a member of society, and by the time he gets out he'll be too old to assault anyone. Win win." Barba replied with a careless shrug.

"Drop the child porn and aggravated sexual assault."

"No? Why am I even here if you're going to propose such absurd terms?"

"You have a sadistic, probably escalating rapist on the streets. You need us. Besides, none of this was my client's idea. He was in fear for his life. This young man is quite a terror." Barba scoffed at Lester's response.

"Really? That's your planned defense?" Barba deadpanned, green eyes looking between the attorney and his client as though they were kidding.

"And your planned prosecution is putting a bunch of children on the stand? What if you don't find him? What if he _kills_ someone?" Lester leaned forward for dramatic effect but Barba wasn't buying it. He stood up and walked through the door to where Benson was without saying a word; Lester leaned in towards his client to discuss their options.

"What are they even playing at?" Benson asked, shaking her head. Barba's mouth was a straight line as he looked through the mirrored glass.

"Well, if Nowling does do something between now and when we catch them they'll use that to their advantage. Say the boy was forcing him to assist in the assaults, that they were willing to cooperate but that I was too busy playing hardball." Barba guessed, narrowing his eyes as he considered his options. He finally walked back into the room without another word to Olivia.

"No deal. Let me know if you regain your sanity. See you at the Grand jury." Barba said before turning back and leaving the room a second time, not even giving Lester or the athletic director a moment to speak.

"Where are we on finding the boy?" Barba asked, walking past Olivia. She joined him as Fin walked by them to escorts the prisoner back to lock up.

"Watching his credit cards, watching his car and house, parents' houses. His picture is out to the whole city."

"And still nothing?" She shrugged in response.

"He's pretty nondescript but we're doing all we can. We'll find him." She said affirmatively. He nodded.

"I'm going to go back to my office for a few hours. Let me know if you get anything."

"Of course." Olivia replied as Barba walked out the door without another word.

"See you tomorrow!" Noelia called out to one of her friends, waving goodbye as she started to walk down the street. She hummed as she walked to the subway station - she normally got home around 3:15, enough time for her mom to wake up and get ready so they could have an early dinner before she left to go to her evening shift. She thought about the shaved ice stand she would pass on her way home after getting off the subway; Friday was a day to start with dessert. Besides, it gave her mom a little extra time to sleep. Win win.

Something felt weird as she started to trot down the stairs to go underground; she felt like she was being watched. Then again, it's New York City - with 8 million people around, it's not weird to find someone looking at you. She ignored the sensation, getting onto the subway train, putting her headphones in her ears. She tapped her toes to the soundtrack she was listening to - most of her free time was spent listening to musical soundtracks.

When she got to her stop she stood up, adjusting her bookbag on her shoulders and walking up back into the daylight. As she glanced down at her phone to change the song she was listening to, she felt a hand grip over her mouth and another around her waist, dragging her from the subway immediately around the corner to an alley away from the street.

She kicked and tried to scream but his hands were too hand around her waist shifted for a moment, snatching the phone out of her hand and throwing it on the ground before swiftly wrapping itself back around her. She heard the crack of the glass as her phone hit the concrete. He opened a trunk, threw her inside. He grabbed her arms and pulled them behind her; she cried out as he zip tied her wrists together with ease. He shoved a rag deep into her mouth and closed the lid of the trunk; she threw herself down to avoid getting smacked in the head.

She tried to spit out the rag but choked on it; it tasted like death and it was hard to breathe. Okay. Calm down. She took deep breaths through her nose as the tears ran down her face. She was going to suffocate if she didn't calm down. She finally got the rag out of her mouth, gagging, her mouth dry and angry. She screamed, kicking the side of the trunk, her wrists burning as she tried to wiggle out of the zip tie but it did nothing. She stopped talking, trying to hear the noises around her so she had some idea of where they were going - they were crossing a bridge? She could hear water. Or was she imagining it?

They kept driving until she felt them turn, hearing a noise. A garage door? How much money did they have to own a home with a garage in the city?

She screamed and kicked at the door, trying to shift herself off of her hands. Her shoulders ached; even though it hadn't even been an hour she'd never had to keep her arms in this kind of position for so long. Soon the trunk swung open.

Noelia tried to get up quickly but instantly was met with another rag to her face; this one made her feel dizzy instantaneously. She tried to thrash but soon drifted off, feeling herself being lifted from the trunk before passing out.

Amelia groaned as her alarm clock went off, warning her it was almost time to go to work. That's weird. Where's Noelia? She normally woke her up way before this alarm so they could go to dinner.

She walked down the hall, peeking in her daughter's room. No sign. She checked the kitchen and living room but there was still nothing - no backpack sitting in the corner near the door, no dress shoes hanging out by the couch. She pulled out her cell phone to call Noelia and see where she was; the phone rang and rang with no answer.

She started to panic then tried to calm down. Maybe she just got distracted. She was known to do that. Amelia slid on her shoes and jacket, trotting down the five flights of stairs. She walked down to the shaved ice stand a few blocks away, between their apartment and the subway. Noelia stopped there every friday - her daughter didn't know Amelia knew she went there, but she didn't mind. The owner of the shaved ice stand was a friendly man who Amelia had known since she herself was in school.

Amelia walked down the blocks, asking the owner if he'd seen her daughter. He shook his head.

"I've been wondering where she's been, _nina._ It's unlike her to not stop by, I haven't even seen her go by." He responded. She nodded, asking her to keep his eyes on the lookout while he was still open.

She walked back to her apartment, feeling uneasy. She tried calling Noelia again but to no avail. She called the friends that Noelia hung out with the most at school - the last person she spoke to said she had gotten on the subway like normal. She called some of Noelia's teachers - they said there was nothing going on at the school, or anywhere else she would be. Amelia finally decided to call the police.

"Hello? Yes, my daughter never came home from school, and she's not answering her phone." She said into the phone.

"Has she ever done this before?" The voice on the other line asked sweetly, trying to calm her. Amelia shook her head.

"No, never. She's only 14, she normally comes home after school and is back by 3:30. No one has seen her, I've asked the neighbors and people who work in the neighborhood." She explained, her voice beginning to shake, each word getting harder and harder to get out.

"Okay, ma'am, tell me about her so I can let the local precinct know and get someone out to your home to ask questions." Amelia briefly went through the description of her daughter - Hispanic, dark curls, light brown eyes, 5'1". She gave them her cell phone number - so they could try to track the GPS of the phone.

Amelia returned to her home, sitting on the couch, calling into her job and calling off work. She shouldn't call off this late - she could risk getting fired not giving them four hours to find someone to cover the shift. But what was she going to do? What if Noelia was really missing?

She reached into her wallet, pulling out a business card. Rafael's card in her hand, her phone in the other, she dialed his number with trembling fingers.

"Barba." She heard him state into the phone. She took a deep breath.

"Rafael…" She exhaled his name with relief, glad he had picked up. She heard silence on the other side.

"Amelia… is everything okay?" She heard him ask. She started crying, stammering through her words.

"No...Noelia...she didn't come home from school. I know it's only been a few hours but where could she have gone? She's not answering her phone."

"Mel… I'm sure everything is fine."  
"No! It's not! She gets out of school, takes the subway to the neighborhood, gets some piragua from a stand down the street, comes straight home. Watches TV for like an hour, wakes me up, we go to dinner, I go to work. It's the same thing every friday. Why would it change now? Why wouldn't she tell me where she was?"

"She did sneak out to go to the station the other day. Let me call Olivia and Carisi, see if they've seen her." He spoke gently.

"Rafael I'm not some victim you're interviewing. Stop trying to assuage my concern."

"Stop being concerned. Everything is okay. I'll call them - maybe Carisi and Rollins can swing by the places she normally goes." She kept crying into the phone; he wasn't listening to her.

"...Look. I'll come over, okay? I'll be there shortly." His voice was still calm, soothing. She sighed.

"Please." She said, feeling the pit in her stomach. She couldn't stand being alone and not knowing where her child was. She looked at the clock - the police would come soon. She knew well she wasn't a priority - her daughter was a teenager, one who was known for ignoring authority. There was no way the police were going to rush to her rescue.

Amelia pulled the blanket tightly over her shoulders, staring at the wall, phone in hand on the highest volume setting, waiting.

The police arrived first; she let them in, showed them around, told them what had happened. Barba arrived moments later with Olivia and Carisi as the officers were leaving; Amelia's eyes were lined red and puffy, her skin looking pale and lifeless.

"It's nice of you to come here, detectives." She said, her voice timid. Benson got a call as she went to speak.

"Benson." She said, picking up the phone. Her mouth twisted into a frown. "Where was it found? Okay. Yes, I'm here. Yes, I'll come meet you at your precinct in half an hour. Thanks. Bye." Olivia's face fell as she looked at Amelia.

"Amelia...they found Noelia's phone. The screen was cracked and it was in an alley. They're getting some detectives to see if there's any security footage for the stores nearby to see if we can find anything." She explained. Amelia's eyes widened with every word and she took a deep, uneven breath.

"So… so she doesn't have it. Wherever she is." Amelia said quietly, not looking at anyone. Rafael took a step towards her.

"Ameli-"  
"No. She doesn't have her phone. She would never go anywhere without her phone. She'd never break it - she's never dropped it once. You'd think it was an egg the way she treats that thing." Amelia continued, pacing back and forth.

"I can't...I can't be here. I can't stay here. I have to go. I'm going… I'm going to go to my mothers." She said, nodding, going into the kitchen and digging through the drawers until she found a spare set of keys.

"Here. Search whatever you need. Do whatever you need. Please. Find her." Amelia said as she pressed the key into Olivia's hand. "Please. Find her." She repeated, stepping back weakly.

"Let me take you where you're going." Olivia said gently, wrapping her arm around the shorter woman. "It's going to be okay. We'll keep an officer on the building in case she comes back, or in case anyone comes here. It'll be okay." She said soothingly, as she'd done a hundred times. Olivia took one last look at Carisi and Barba, jerking her head down the hall. She then walked with Amelia down the hall, down the stairs, reassuring her as she muttered about her missing child. The child that had determined the course of her entire life. Amelia had moved to Cleveland because of Noelia. She'd moved back to New York for the same reason. Her whole adult life depending on her daughter - her smart, beautiful, stubborn daughter, who looked just like Amelia but had Rafael's brains, snark, and work ethic. Where was she? Why was she gone? Who would take her? Amelia began to pray - begging for her child to come home. Begging to stop feeling so helpless.


	9. Differences

Early February, 2001

Barba buzzed Amelia into his building at about 6:30, as he'd been doing almost every night. They had a nice little system going - he worked while she went to school, he'd come home and keep working while she made dinner, afterwards he would read while she would study. Other nights where he'd hang out with his friends - coworkers, Alex and Eddie, old classmates from Harvard - she'd go spend time with her family, her own classmates, or her own friends from the neighborhood. There was balance.

Amelia hummed along to the radio as she cooked. Really cooking was a generous term - she was making what she liked to call "lazy quesadillas," which consisted of buying a rotisserie chicken at the store, shredding it up, throwing some cheese on it, putting it in a tortilla and heating it on a skillet. Delicious, easy, little work. She yawned, sleepy. She'd been up all night studying for an exam - part of her motivation for making such an effortless dinner.

"Babe the food's done." She called to Rafael, who sat at his desk working. He never really stopped working - he was horrible at shutting his brain off after leaving his office. She had no idea why he wasted money paying for cable; his TV was never on.

Rafael crossed the room, kissing Amelia before sitting at the table. He really appreciated her coming over; even though he worked through her making dinner it did feel a little better than eating at diners and bars as he was used to. He loved taking a break to watch her cook. She would sing; whatever song was in her head, though he knew she tried not to make too much noise while he was still working. She never noticed his wandering eyes, which watched her dance around and sway her hips as she tore up chicken or cut vegetables.

Rafael's favorite thing about her was the stark difference between the two of them - he would never see a task like cooking as something to smile and dance through. Barba was a cynic who saw the world in stark black and white. Amelia didn't see shades of grey, but bright colors. While he lamented over dealing with difficult clients, she saw every compromise with a stubborn patient as a success. While he had an unhealthy habit of clinging to his failures and letting them consume him for longer than was healthy, she could brush off problems and see them purely as a learning opportunity and way to grow. Going from a gang-heavy neighborhood to incredibly competitive post-high school educational pursuits, Barba was used to people who were overly driven, no-nonsense, who took life as a checklist of accomplishments. Amelia was the exact opposite, seeing beauty in the world and not even considering people's failures or achievements when considering what kind of person they were.

This however also led to Amelia's biggest character flaw; in seeing the good in everyone, she avoided even thinking about the bad. She avoided voicing her concerns no matter what the problem was. She never told anyone if a patient or even a doctor in her clinical classes did anything inappropriate; she would just come home, offhandedly mention it to Rafael who would be revulsed by their actions. When he insisted she tell someone about what happened to the nursing students, because it wasn't 1950 anymore and that old creep doctor should treat them with respect, she simply brushed it off, wanting to do nothing about it.

"How was your day?" She asked, looking up at him and smiling. She normally saved this kind of small talk for the start of dinner instead of when she first walked through the door. It was like dinner was a game; like they were children playing house instead of real adults.

"Good. Mostly research. The DA has me going through this judge's last five years of decisions to see what would be the best way to present this evidence to him so he'll allow it." Rafael explained, cutting into his quesadilla and taking a bite. Even though she always acted like her cooking was nothing, it was delicious; she'd added seasoning to the three cheeses that she'd blended herself, and the flavor had a kick to it that worked well with the chicken. He approved. "How was yours?"

"Good. I took an exam today in pharm. If you need to know the side effects of drugs commonly given in an ER setting, I'm your girl." She replied, taking a bite of her own food, looking down at her plate.

"So you did well." He concluded.

"I believe so, there were no questions I wasn't fairly certain of."

They discussed things they had seen in the news, a little bit about people they interacted with at work. As usual, Rafael did more talking to Amelia did; she was skillful at open ended questions that got him talking. He went on about the Congressional Budget Office's prediction of the country's budget surplus for the next decade, about new President Bush's proposed tax legislation.

"Rafael Barba for President 2012?" She proposed. "You'll be over 35 by then, right?"

"Funny." He replied, finishing his plate. She had already finished eating halfway through his tax discussion. She stood up to clear the table.

"I really can do dishes, you know. I'm not completely useless." Rafael said as she took his plate from in front of him.

"But you bought the food, silly, the least I can do is make sure this nice apartment stays free of mice." She replied, pulling down some wine glasses and uncorking the bottle they had in the fridge. "Now here, we had to read this article that a glass of red wine a day is good for your heart." She said, handing him one. He took the glass and raised it to his lips.

"You do know there's a dishwasher." He pointed out. She shrugged.

"For two plates, a cutting board and a skillet?" He gave up, going over and sitting on the couch, grabbing a book and starting to read. She ventured over a few minutes later, lying across the couch with her head on his lap, smiling up at him.

"Hello." She said, lifting her hand and placing it on his jaw above her.

" _Hola, bonita."_ He replied, running his fingers through the waves of her hair. Her eyes fluttered closed. "You know, normal people don't work themselves to where they fall asleep the second they sit on a piece of furniture."

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." She replied, taking the hand that touched his face and pulling some of her long hair in front of her eyes to block the light and Rafael's gaze. He simply shook his head, going back to his book. He'd occasionally tell her about what was going on; Amelia was one of the only people he'd ever met who was never offended by spoilers and would still want to read something regardless of her knowing the ending. She nodded, asking questions in a sleepy voice.

"Are you staying?" Rafael asked after a while, when it was closer to eleven. Sometimes she went back to her dorm late via taxi, depending on what her roommates were doing.

"I would like to if that's okay." She replied, sitting up, rubbing her eyes. "My roommate's boyfriend is staying over tonight and I don't want to interrupt their alone time." She took Rafael's hands in hers, idly turning one over and looking at his palm. Amelia's way of being comfortable casually touching people translated into their relationship; she never shied away from holding his hands, curling up against him, or touching his face, almost like she was making sure he was real.

That was the other thing that made whatever they were doing so easy; Amelia had no expectations. It wasn't a whirlwind romance where he felt like he had to constantly thrill her, or shower her with affection. She seemed happy just to be in the same room as him.

"Of course, Mel, whatever you'd like." With his affirmation she kissed him, a smile on her face. She was always smiling; he was always giving snarky looks.

"Besides, I'm excited to hear you mumble in your sleep about the flaws in the President's proposed tax plan, you're so cute when you're protesting against the bourgeoisie despite having a dream of building an expensive suit collection." She teased. His mouth dropped in fake offense.

"Hey, the dream is already being fulfilled, my suit collection is filling out quite nicely. A collection I obtained, might I had, by graduating with little debt due to scholarship funds that I earned and kept. Promoting upward ability through hard work is the American dream."

"Is that going to be part of your speech when you run for president? Barba 2012?"

"You're so funny. Don't you have something to study? To save future lives?" He almost snapped. The idea of running for office was always a touchy subject for Rafael; it was a fate meant for Alex, with the better personality and beautiful wife. Alex would be the face of the barrio, She frowned, hearing the change in his voice.

"Sorry, Raf, I was only teasing." She apologized, pressing her lips against his cheek. "What would you like to do? Do you just want to sleep? Play a game? Whatever you want, baby." Typical. Overcompensating for a fight that didn't exist. He signed.

"It's okay, really."

"I just….I think you can do anything, Rafi, anything you set your mind to. You're brilliant." She insisted. "I think you spend so much time trying to prove it to others you forget that it's true."

"Mel, why are you in nursing school?" He asked, changing subject. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"What do you mean?"  
"You have the best scores in your program, you got top marks at school. Why are you in nursing school at Hudson and not pre-med somewhere else?"

"I don't want to be a doctor."

"But you could be a doctor. You're smart enough to be a doctor." He argued.

"But I like patients. I want to actually care for patients. Being a doctor is about power, and long hours, and years and years of school. You want to become a judge one day, right?"

"Yes."

"Don't you know lawyers who would never want to hold that kind of position and make those kind of decisions?" She countered. "You don't have to climb to the top of the world to be happy, Rafi, you can choose to be happy wherever you are. Whether that's in the job of your dreams or sitting on a couch with a strikingly handsome older man." Her tone changed as she spoke her last words, teasing. He relaxed slightly, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Why do you always touch my hair?" She asked. "Not that I don't enjoy it." Barba shrugged.

"A lot of the women I know have shorter hair - Rachel from Friends hair. I like that yours is still long. It's pretty." She blushed under his gaze.

"Thank you." She said, not knowing how to move forward. It was rare for Barba to just compliment her without it having an ulterior motive - like how he complimented her grades just to tell her she should go to med school.

"You're welcome, _querida."_ He said. "Let's go to bed." He said, standing up. She stood with him, walking into the bedroom, changing into one of Rafael's t-shirts. T-shirt really being a white underwear tee, because he never just wore a true casual t-shirt. She climbed into his bed,breathing in deeply. His bed always smelled like fresh linen, like he changed his sheets every day without her noticing.

She kissed his lips one last time, before turning away from him, feeling his arm fall around her waist. She felt safest at these moments; like his gasp could protect her from the world and they were the only two people in the city. She took a deep breath; warm. Happy.

" _Buenas noches."_ She murmured, squeezing his hand one last time.

"Goodnight, Amelia." He replied. Unsurprisingly, she was out way quicker than he was, despite having already slept earlier. He stared past her sleeping form at the window.

When he woke up the next morning Amelia was already gone. He glanced at his watch which had a day of the week indicator; it was Thursday. She had clinical for twelve hours. A post it rested on the night table beside his alarm clock.

 _Barba for President 2k12._

He shook his head, getting up to shower and get ready for work.


	10. Finding

Barba followed Carisi through the apartment as they went into Noelia's room to look for anything that could help figure out where she could have gone. They found a laptop sitting on her desk; Carisi set it near the door to take to Taru. He started digging through the drawers; he found an old Kindle, some books, and some pictures.

"Hey, Barba, this is you right? You look so young." Carisi pulled out a group of pictures that had been in Noelia's desk drawer, handing the Polaroids over to Barba.

Rafael looked at the photos, which he hadn't seen in over fifteen years. A 25 year-old version of himself stared back at him; his face was free of the lines that now showed his age, his frame a bit thinner. The first picture was of him and Amelia on a ferry on their way to the Statue of Liberty. They were both smiling, his arm around her shoulders, though she looked paler than she normally did.

"March 21st, 2001. The first day of vacation I ever used - Mel insisted we go to The Statue of Liberty on the first day of spring." Barba stared at the pictures as Carisi continued to search for anything that could help find Noelia. "Of course it was still freezing and rained that day." He got lost in his memories.

" _Are you okay, Mel? You look green." Rafael had said, nudging her as they leaned against the edge of the boat going to the Statue. She'd pulled her scarf tighter around her neck, shrugging._

" _I think I'm just a little seasick. The air feels nice though."  
_ " _The air feels freezing." Barba corrected her, sliding an arm around her shoulders as they looked out at the city before them. She carried a small backpack, equipped with their wallets, camera, a bottle of water and Rafael's cell phone. She moved from beside him, looking like she was going to puke, being pulling the camera out and smiling._

" _Let's take a picture really fast." She said, asking a nearby stranger to take a photo of them together. She went back to standing beside him, his arm going back around her for the picture. She thanked the stranger, standing back beside Barba, carefully holding the picture until it developed a few moments later._

" _Look how nice it came out, at least the lighting is good for picture taking." She said, pleased with the result. He'd agreed._

" _Let's take another one. Here, I'll just hold the camera out."_

The other pictures were from the same day - the second one was blurry, much closer up. He'd held the camera up to try to take a picture - a selfie with a giant polaroid camera had been nearly impossible. Their heads were cut off; Barba's forehead was out of the picture but his green eyes shone with light as the blurry Amelia kissed his cheek. She'd stood on her toes and snuck the kiss right when they had planned to snap the photo.

 _The moment he went to snap the picture he was knocked off balance by her quickly pressing her lips to cheek the moment the flash went off. He almost dropped the camera the way he'd been holding it one handed; he caught it by its strap and pulled it close so the photo wouldn't blow away._

" _Way to warn me." He said taking the picture and shaking it so it could begin to develop. She giggled at him._

" _Me?I didn't do anything." She said. "Let's ask one more person to take a picture of us, then we'll save the other pictures for when we're at the statue." She said, getting a stranger to take the camera, almost tackling Rafael as she wrapped her arms around him again, grinning. The stranger took the picture, handing them the picture and the camera back. She put the camera back in their bag._

Barba looked at the last picture. They were smiling. Happy. It was strange to see, given that he'd leave her a week or two later.

"Weird, I haven't seen a picture with the towers in the background in a long time." Carisi pointed out, showing that the Twin Towers still stood tall just beyond their heads.

"I haven't either," Barba replied, still holding the pictures, going between the three. When was Noelia's birthday? Was Amelia already pregnant when these had been taken? Was that why she felt so sick?

"Well, Barba, we've got a computer and an iPad, let's get them to Taru so he can see what he can find." Carisi said. Barba still held the pictures in his hands. Carisi looked at them again over his shoulder.

"You look pretty happy, Barba. I don't think I've seen a smile that wasn't smug on your face ever." Barba shot him a glare. "Hey, just bein' honest." Carisi gathered up the useful electronics and walked out. Barba pocketed the three pictures, following him out.

"Novak, what are you doing here? Where's Barba?" Lester asked as Casey walked in. They hadn't expected to be back so soon; Lester had gotten a call to come in first thing that morning at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. Not standard practice.

"Nice to see you too." She said, sitting down across from the attorney and his client. "Unfortunately Barba had to recuse himself from the case given its recent developments."  
"What do you mean?"

"Well, your accomplice had kidnapped a girl. Which, you know, if you don't help us find him could make you an accessory and add on an obstruction of justice charge."

"Fair, but what does that have to do with Barba?"

"Nowling kidnapped his daughter. You're going to be on the hook for the kidnapping of the child of a somewhat notable public servant. A scholarship student at your own school, Mr. Foster. Now, I stand by Barba's old deal: give us the boy, you'll get concurrent sentences and the possibility of parole. This includes the new obstruction charge, of course."

"I have nothing to do with that girl! She got me in here!" The director shouted. His attorney grabbed his arm, whispering to him.

"I need a moment with my client." Lester said. Casey nodded, standing up and leaving the interview room. Benson stood at the glass, staring as the two spoke. Casey stood beside her, waiting.

"What do you think they'll do?"

"Lester isn't an idiot. Barba's daughter is pretty, she gets good grades, her teachers love her. Barba's in the press pretty regularly, his...daughter's mother is a forensic nurse. For their kid to be kidnapped by a pedophile? She's the definition of a sympathetic victim." Casey took a deep breath. "And you know as well as I do...the longer she's gone, the worst the charges can get." She saw Lester look up, gesturing for her to come back. She and Benson entered together.

"We'll take the concurrent sentences with no added charges for being an accomplice or obstruction. You know as well as I those would get dismissed."

"Fair, IF it leads to us finding the girl."

"Andrew stays at a townhouse on the upper east side." The athletic director wrote down an address. "It belongs to his great aunt; she practically raised him, but she's staying in North Carolina still. She normally comes back to New York in May."

Benson snatched the piece of paper and practically sprinted out the door, grabbing Fin on the way out. She texted Carisi as she jumped in the car; he was with Noelia's mother, letting him know they might have a lead. They turned on their sirens as they rushed to the upper east side, turning them off as they got within a few blocks of the house. They didn't want him to find out they were nearby.

Meanwhile at Amelia's mother's house, Barba sat at the kitchen table while Carisi and Amelia sat on the couch on the other side of the room. It was early in the morning; they'd come over first thing, both with dark circles under their eyes. According to Amelia's mother she hadn't slept all night either; just sat in the living room, alternating between staring at the door and her phone. Amelia had a cup of tea in her hands, but it was cold; she hadn't even taken a sip. Carisi held a rosary and was praying out loud going down the beads; Benson had excused him from helping with the search to try to keep Amelia from having a break down. She mumbled along with his prayers, her eyes still looking vacant.

Barba looked over at them in annoyance. He hated how little of a help he could be, both in the investigation and making her feel better. He'd now be lucky if he was allowed to try the case; the DA had made him recuse himself for now but said he might change his mind for the trial, given Noelia wasn't the only victim, it was his case to begin with, and he did try cases that included victims he was close to - Olivia with William Lewis, for instance. The DA did make Casey take the interview with the athletic director for any information - he didn't want Barba giving up a deal due to personal duress.

"He seems like a nice young man, no? Good Catholic boy," Amelia's mother said in accented English, placing a cup of coffee in front of Rafael. He took a sip, thankful. The coffee had been made on a stove and strained through a cloth strainer instead of with just a normal coffee pot; it was a method of coffee making he loved but never had the time or pouring skills to do himself. "Skinny, though."

" _Gracias, Senora_ Silva." He said as he drank more, his eyes still on Carisi and Amelia. " _Senora…"_ He spoke quietly. She sat down at the table with him, looking at him curiously. "Why didn't you ever tell me? You've stayed here in New York. You go to church with my mother." His voice cracked. She looked at him sadly, taking a hand and placing it on top of his own. These Silva women and their touching. That must be where Amelia got it.

"Rafael...you are a talented young man. My daughter has talent too - of running away." She said quietly, looking over at her praying child. "Besides, I did tell Lucia - the first summer Noelia spent in New York, she was a little over two." She patted his hand one last time. "Talk to your mother, talk to my daughter. But you know now is not the time."

Carisi's phone buzzed; they paused and looked as he pulled it out of his pocket.

"They might have a lead, the athletic director gave up somewhere Nowling like's to hide." He said, showing the text to Amelia. Her eyes filled with fresh tears but she didn't say anything. "I'm going to go meet them at the house they're going to, Liv wants me there. Are you gonna be okay?" He placed a hand on Amelia's shoulder. She nodded.

"Lia adores you, you should be there." She said, the first clear words she'd spoken since they took her out of her own apartment. Carisi nodded, walking over to Barba at the kitchen table.

"I'm gonna go. Here." Carisi said, handing Barba the rosary. He simply stared at it. "C'mon, Barba, don't act like it's gonna bite you. Go sit with her." He said as he slid his jacket over his shoulders. "I'll see you later. Thanks for the coffee, Mrs. Silva." He said, gesturing towards Amelia's mother who waved from the kitchen, before turning and walking out the door.

Rafael walked over and sat beside Amelia on the couch. She looked at him, saying nothing.

"Do you want me to keep going?" He asked. She shook her head. "Do you want me here?" He said, his voice lowered. She nodded. They sat unmoving, side by side, both consumed with worry.

Noelia came to, realizing she was handcuffed hands and feet to a bed. How long had she been asleep? Her wrists and ankles hurt, chafing against the cuffs. She kept her eyes closed; listening carefully, trying to feel. Wrists and ankles, definitely bruised. It felt like she had a bump on her head; she couldn't tell if it was just from being drugged or if she'd been dropped. She was still wearing all her clothes; her...body didn't feel like anything had happened to it yet. Good. She didn't hear anyone; she slowly opened her eyes.

Light. It was bright and painful and made her head feel like it was going to explode. Ugh. She closed them again, feeling weak. What did he do to her?

She heard the door open. Andrew Nowling came back, straddling her on the bed. She didn't move, feeling his hand trace down her body.

"Wake up!" He said, slapping her hard across the face. She groaned, opening her eyes.

"Andrew. Why are we here? What happened?" She asked. Okay. Just need to convince him to not be crazy.

"You called the police on me you bitch!" He said, grabbing her blouse and ripping the buttons open. She shook her head.

"Andrew, please. Let's talk, okay? We're friends, right? I care about you, you know that, right?" She pleaded. He looked at her, confused. He smelled like soap, his hair still wet. Was it morning? Had anything happened while she was knocked out?

"The police are looking for me. Because of you."

"But they're not going to find you, Andrew. Please. Look, you know I'm not pretty enough for you." She fluttered her eyes as though frustrated with that fact. "Maybe...I was just. I dunno. I spend so much time at that house and you never noticed me." She kept her voice sweet, calm. She just had to keep him talking. Keep him calm. Buy as much time as she could.

"You're not my type." He confirmed. "I wouldn't want some dirty slut like you. Some old bitch." Old? He was a decade her senior. God he was unhinged. Okay.

"You deserve better than me. You deserve a princess, Drew." She said in a soothing voice; a voice she'd heard her mother say to old patients she would see in a grocery store or at a coffee shop. "You're so much better than this world."

"Why'd you do it?"

"What do you mean, Drew?"

"Why'd you go to the police?" He snapped, his eyes turning cold. She bit her lip.

"I was jealous, Drew, I wanted you to notice me. It was a bad plan. But they'll never catch you. Look, how long have I been here? They have no idea where we are." She insisted. "You're safe."

He looked at her, his hand going down her bare stomach, lifting up her skirt. She inhaled. He wrinkled his nose at her.

"You should be punished." He said, his hand holding her panties, as though to rip them off. She nodded.

"I don't deserve how well you're treating me. But, Andrew, you said it yourself. I'm dirty. You don't want a girl like me to ruin you." He moved his hand.

He heard a noise up the stairs; they were in a room off the garage; he stood up.

"I'll be back." He said, going up the stairs. She heard the door upstairs boom open like it was hit by a battering ram. She heard Andrew's scream, someone fighting to get him handcuffed. She screamed to be heard, trying not to thrash too much to hurt herself.

"OLIVIA" She screamed, starting to cry as the familiar face came through the door. "Thank god. Ay, dios mio. Thank you."

"Are you okay? What happened?"  
"Nothing, nothing. Really, I just tried to keep him talking when I came to. I mean. Nothing that I remember. He drugged me. My head. It hurts so badly." She cried more as Olivia took the handcuffs off of her, helping her stand.

"Let's get you to a hospital, sweetie, they'll check you out. You're going to be okay. You're so brave." Olivia repeated, taking her to the car. The uniformed officers were taking Andrew Nowling away; Olivia drove her away from the place, towards the hospital. Noelia seemed relatively unscathed, which is all they could ask for.

"They found her." Rafael said. Amelia and her mother both started crying tears of joy.

"Can we go? Where is she?"  
"They're taking her to the hospital."  
"Which one? Where I work?"  
"No, she was found on the other side of town. We'll get a cab." Barba stood up, grabbing his suit jacket and sliding it over his shoulders. Amelia kissed her mother goodbye - who would make some food and come visit, because that hospital food would be garbage - then rushed out the door.

Once they got to the bottom of the stairs Amelia threw her arms around Rafael's neck, sobbing. He slid his arms around her slowly, holding her close.

"I'm so sorry...I should have listened to you." She said quietly. They waited until a cab came, started the drive across town.

"Mel...I have a question." Rafael said slowly, knowing this still wasn't the right time. No time like the present, right?

"Yes?" She asked, looking over at him, her eyes still red and puffy from the lack of sleep. He pulled out one of the polaroid pictures from Noelia's room.

She stared at the image, almost wanting to laugh. They looked so different than they did now; the lines of ages on their faces, the dark circles under their eyes. It was like looking at a picture of two strangers.

"Where did you find this?" She asked.

"It was in Noelia's room. Carisi found it when looking for something to help us find her. Did you know she had it?" He asked.

"No, I didn't. I thought I'd lost these years ago…" She said thoughtfully, running her hand along the edge of the photo he'd handed her. The third picture taken; Past Amelia's arms were tightly wrapped around Past Rafael's torso, her eyes bright and smiling.

"Were you pregnant in these?" He asked suddenly. She blinked.

"Um...yes. But I didn't know it yet." She replied. "Four weeks, I think. I didn't find out until I was almost ten weeks. I thought the sickness and being late was just stress." She explained, handing him back the picture. They sat in silence then; what more was there to say? Shortly after they pulled up to the hospital. He held the door open for her as she got out, practically sprinting into the doors, asking to see her daughter.

"She's being examined right now. They've sedated her; she came in having an anxiety attack." The nurse explained, leading them into a waiting room. Benson was already there.

"Hey guys." She said, approaching. "Carisi and Rollins are interviewing Nowling, trying to get him to confess to all the crimes and see if there's any we didn't know about." She explained. Amelia sat down on a couch, staring at the door through which she knew someone would give her an answer. Barba waited by Benson.

"Are you going to come back when she wakes up?" Barba asked. Benson nodded.

"The doctor's only knocked her out for a few hours. They'll call me once they finish her physical exam." She said quietly.

"Okay. Call me." He said, holding a hand out to her. She ignored it, wrapping him in a hug. She knew he needed it whether or not he wanted it.

"Of course, Barba." She said, heading to the door. Rafael sat down beside Amelia, looking down at his phone.

"What are you reading?" Amelia asked quietly, seeing the small font. Rafael looked at her with a slight smile on his face.

"Do you want the spoiler free version?"  
"You know I don't mind." She replied, placing a hand on his knee. He began to tell her about the book he was reading, passing the time until they were allowed back to Noelia's room.

A/N: What's an SVU fanfic without a kidnapping, am I right? So I'm trying to pace this correctly but between real life responsibility and this being my first full length fanfic it might be a bit sporatic. Let me know if you guys have any trouble with the speed of the plot. Also, my finals start in a week, so my updating might be a little more sporatic. I'm not dead! Promise!


	11. Demise

March 23rd, 2001

"Hey, Mel." Rafael went to kiss her as she walked in the apartment but she ducked past him, holding the bags she had in her hands up to symbolize her desire to put them down. Once they were down she breathed a heavy sigh.

"Sorry, Rafi, I just want to get everything ready, I'm making rice tonight and you know that takes a few hours." She said, beginning to unpack everything.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked, moving towards her. "You're acting strange." He grabbed her arm and she flinched, looking up at him. She inhaled, before wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him.

"Nothing, Raf, really." She smiled unconvincingly, tilting her head to the side as she looked up at him. "I just want to make dinner for you, baby, you work so hard. And it's the weekend and I just want to have a good night with my favorite boy." She went back to unpacking everything; she hadn't even taken her coat off. What was she doing?

"Mel, talk to me." He said, leaning against the counter. She continued to work around him, pulling out a pot and starting to fill it with water. She turned on the stove but it wouldn't light; she listened with frustration at the clicking noise. He took her hand, pulling it off of the knob of the stove. "Why do you still have your coat on? Will you stand still for a second?"

Her eyes welled up with tears and she shook her head.

"Everything is great, Rafi, really, it's just been a stressful day." She finally stopped what she was doing, wrapping her arms around him. She felt like she was collapsing.

"Hey… hey." He said, pulling back and lifting her head to look into her eyes. "Go sit, okay? I'll cook."

"You can't cook. You never cook." She argued. She still looked pale. Why did she always look so pale recently?

"I did live by myself as an adult before we were together. Contrary to popular belief, I don't eat out every night." He argued, scooping her up against her will and dropping her on the couch. He went back to the kitchen to make dinner.

He ignored all the ingredients Amelia had bought - it was Friday and she always liked to make elaborate meals on Fridays. The 12 hour clinicals the day before meant she never cooked Thursday; she normally didn't even come over, just going straight to her dorm where she and her roommate studied before passing out early. She'd bought a roast, seasoning, and a bunch of other things he had no intention of doing something with. Rafael put them in the fridge and got what he needed to cook.

Twenty minutes later he served dinner on the couch at the coffee table; grilled cheese and tomato soup.

She looked at the meal and smiled.

"Thank you, Rafael." She said, breaking off a piece of her sandwich and letting it soak in the soup.

"It's my specialty. I could give you the recipe for the right price." He took a bite himself. They ate in almost silence; he was suspicious. Sure, Amelia wasn't a chatty person, but she normally at least probed him with questions. She asked about his day, the cases he was trying, the research he had to do, whether or not his coworkers were doing their jobs. Now she barely looked up from her plate; she still had her jacket on.

"Why are you eating in a coat? You hate having your arms covered when you eat." He pointed out. She blinked; he was right, she complained about that pretty regularly. She sighed, gently taking her coat off, still having long sleeves. She didn't roll them up.

On an impulse he took her arm, pulling up her sleeves. She pulled back but not before he revealed bruises; finger sized, on her forearms.

"What happened?" He asked, running his hands over her forearm. She wore the expression of a deer in headlights. She shook her head.

"Nothing." She jerked back. "Will you stop?" She pulled her sleeves down again.  
"Will you talk for five minutes? What. Happened." His green eyes bore into hers. She didn't look away, biting her lower lip. A tense moment passed.

"Nothing. Doctor -" She took a deep breath, pausing, not wanting to continue.  
"That asshole did this to you? What the fuck happened?" Rafael knew that doctor was bad news. He'd told her countless times that he was inappropriate with nurses.

"Stop." She stood up, crossing the room to stare out the window. "Look, he asked me to stay, to go to dinner after clinical yesterday, _I said no."_ She emphasized the last words. "Politely! The way you're taught. I thanked him, I told him I was a student, that he was older, that there was a conflict of interests with my program." She paced back and forth, her hands in her hair.

"Then what did he do?" He asked, the tone of his voice changing, relaxing so she would keep talking. She turned back to look at him.

"Don't treat me like one of your victims at work!" She snapped at him, turning. He stood before her; he'd gotten up as she paced. She took a step back, not realizing how closely they'd stood together. She took a deep breath.

"Look, it doesn't matter, okay?" She said. "Saying something could cost me my spot in my program. I only have until the end of April in this hospital and then we get moved."

"Are you assuring me or yourself?" Rafael asked quietly, angry. His eyes flashed; he couldn't believe she would put up with this. How many young nurses had this quack harassed before? And Amelia was just going to sit there and contribute to the problem? When she had bruises from being manhandled?

"Stop. I just… I went to the hospital today, to get something from the nurse's station and I saw him. And he was being so...nice." Her face crinkled up. "God, those men. They act like they're doing you a favor by telling you you're overreacting."

"Mel you _need_ to tell the directors of your program. The hospital. Something needs to be done." He urged, placing his hands on his shoulders.

"No! I'm not going to put myself in that position, Rafi, it's suicide."

"But you have to! It's the right thing!" He urged as she broke free from her grasp, moving away from him.  
"Right for who?" She sighed, putting her coat back on. "I'm going home."

"Fine. Get out." He said, holding open the door. She stood there; hesitantly. She'd hoped he'd fight for her. When he stood there unmoving, she walked through the door. He closed it behind her.

She stared at the closed door, defeated. She knew why she'd upset him; he would go on and on about repeat offenders whose crimes would escalate as long as they were ignored. Barba would tell her about the psychology of addiction, about how true criminals would crave dopamine and therefore do horrible things just to continue to get a reaction.

But she was still in undergrad. It wasn't her job to crusade for the victims, that was Rafael's. Her place in the world was helping her patients; and she wouldn't be able to help anyone if she wasn't in her nursing program. Dropping out meant she risked having to start over completely, and finding another school would be tough - they don't give scholarships to transfer students. She'd risk paying thousands of dollars more for her education.

She held her stomach, which felt like a ball was growing inside of it. Well, back to the dorm then. What else could she do?

On the other side of the wall Barba leaned against the table in the kitchen, frowning. He shouldn't have been that harsh with her. But they'd talked extensively about how he felt about these kinds of issues. He felt like he was looking at his mom after his too drunk father would grab her. He'd never wish that on any girl that he cared about.

And how selfish was she being? Any future victims could be prevented just by her coming forward and she's just going to hide until she doesn't have to work at that hospital anymore? What if she found a job there after she graduated? Would she turn it down because of that doctor? Avoid him for the rest of her life? Move job to job if he was wherever she was? She was being unreasonable.

She was so smart. Any school would welcome having her; she could easily apply for private scholarships. Her grandfather on her dad's side had been a WWII veteran, she had a 4.0 GPA, she was a nursing student. There were plenty of ways she could pay for school.

Not that she'd be kicked out in the first place! She'd done nothing wrong!

He hated how blind she was, how timid. Amelia wore rose colored glasses when looking at Rafael yet saw nothing when she looked at herself. He shut off the lights to his apartment and climbed into bed. Even his bed reminded him of her; the scent of her lavender soap clung to his blankets. He ignored it, turning over to go to sleep.

The next day passed into the afternoon and he still hadn't heard anything; should he call her dorm? Would she be home? He picked up his phone and tried her dorm first.

"Hello?" A voice answered. Not Amelia.

"Is Amelia there?" Barba asked.

"Is this Rafael? What did you say to her yesterday?"

"Naomi I really need to speak to her, is she home?" He ignored her question.

"I dunno, man, she was crazy upset when she came home yesterday."

"Naomi, is she there?" He urged. A pause.

"No. She's at dinner with her brother." She finally admitted. "But for real though, this girl loves you and you're fucking it up."

He ignored her, hanging up the phone. His phone rang a moment later and he picked up quickly.

"Mel?" He said into the received.

"No. It's Ashley. Are you coming out with everyone tonight?" One of the girls he worked with. She was pretty much Opposite Mel both in personality and physique - she was to the point, apathetic, who saw the courtroom as a zero sum game, not a place to advocate for victims. She was blonde, tall, slim, with strong northern European facial features.

"Going out where?"

"That bar near the office, the one with all the 'I want to leave my wife but don't have the balls' stock brokers and CFOs." Her voice sounded bored.

"Maybe I'll meet you there." He said slowly, thinking.

"Oh, I'm sorry, have plans with your underaged girlfriend again? Going to go to a tea party? Maybe the neighborhood sockhop?" Rafael rolled his eyes at her sarcasm. Ashley upon learning of Mel's existence immediately tore into him every chance she got.

"Be careful drinking tonight, Ashley, your two sizes too small heart might fail." He grumbled. He went to tell her goodbye but she cut him off.

"Come on, Rafael. She's in _undergrad._ You're going to be winning cases soon and being in the paper and she's going to what? Be quoted by the _Post_ about how hard her sociology 101 final was? Be serious."

"I'm well aware of your opinion on the matter." He said. "I'll see you tonight at the bar." He said, hanging up the phone before she could get another word in. He tried to call Amelia's parents house to see when their children would be back. With no answer he went back to sitting in his apartment alone, thinking.

Might as well go out with his coworkers, right? If she wasn't going to come home and was dodging his calls. Besides, he had a cell phone and she didn't; she could easily call him when she got to wherever she was going to go.

Several hours and six drinks later all his coworkers had come and gone for the happy hour except for Ashley, who did everything in her power to keep pushing him to drink more.

"Come on, Mr. Harvard, can't drink as well as us lowly state school grads." She said, smiling, a hand on his knee. He shook his head; he hadn't drank this much in weeks. Months? Years? His phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, lifting it to his ear.

"Hello?"  
"Rafi, it's me. How are you?" Amelia's voice rang through the receiver. Finally! It was almost eleven!

"Where have you been? I've been calling you all day!" He said, stepping away from his coworker and walking towards the door so he could try to hear.

"Um, my sister's in town - Julio and I took her to dinner and out to look at the city." She said, sounding confused. She had an elder sister who lived in Cleveland - over ten years her senior.

"Well I'm glad you had a great day. We're having a great time here!" He replied.

"Rafi are you drunk? Why are you talking so loudly?" She asked.

"Me? Of course not! I've had a few - a couple - maybe a few drinks." He stammered.

"Okay then…. I'm going to leave you alone. Have a good night." She said slowly, not knowing how to react.

"Fine! You too!" He shouted into the receiver before hanging up the phone and shoving it in his pocket. What was her problem? It's because she never drank - as a scholarship student she never wanted to risk losing her funding. She was too young to drink. God, she was young.

"Sorry, it was Amelia." He said as he sat back down. He rarely spoke of his personal life at work; the most anyone knew about Amelia was that she was still in school (given he would ask her when she was done with class on the phone before leaving the office) and that they lived in the same neighborhood.

"Sorry, was it past your girlfriend's bedtime? Was it time to wish her nighty-night?" Ashley teased, downing her drink. "Seriously, Rafael, how do you do it?"

"She's great." He argued. "She...she's smart. So smart. And she cooks dinner every night and she cares about people."

"Oh, I get it. You're going to marry this girl one day for the image. A beautiful wife who comes home to you every night, cooks you dinner, looks good on your arm for future clerk of court campaigns. I got you, Rafael. I get it."

"It's not like that." He snapped. He thought of his father, always telling him to find a wife who would get food on the table. The thought now bugged him; Amelia did dote on him, way more than his mother even did on his father. She couldn't think for herself.

"What? You just enjoy sitting around with your little coed? Do you study together?" Ashley teased, dropping her head as she looked up at him in an exaggerated manner. "I get it, I can see it now, ten years. _Rafael Barba and his cute little bride met in the barrio, bound together by a desire to help the common man!"_

Barba hated her. He hated the way she was twisting his and Mel's relationship into something he didn't want. He didn't want to have a relationship of convenience. He didn't want to have to wait until Mel was 21 that December to take her to bars. Did he even want her at all?

He hastily said goodbye to Ashley, feeling vindictive. He went home, firing up the desktop computer that he had at his desk in his workspace. He found the website for the nursing program at Hudson, finding the email address to one of the deans.

He typed out an email about the doctor that harassed Amelia, going on about how they let their students be manhandled by creeps in order to get an education. If she wasn't going to speak for herself, he was going to do it. Was she going to stop him? She wasn't even here!

Feeling pleased with himself he looked at the clock; it was later than he would have liked. He collapsed into the bed, one foot hanging off the edge to help slow the spinning room before falling asleep.

Amelia had a nice dinner with her siblings; it was rare for all of them to be together given the age gaps.

Her conversation with Rafael had been strange; he didn't seem angry. He didn't seem happy either though; she guessed it was just the alcohol.

Sunday was an uneventful day for her; normally just studying. Ordinarily she'd go to Rafi's in the evening; she'd make dinner and they normally rented a movie from the video store down the street. Sometimes they'd go to a theatre, either in the evening or a matinee if she finished everything early enough.

She went to the school library to get onto a computer; she didn't have a laptop but the topic she had to research for a paper she had to do needed to be from a journal less than five years old, and the computer normally helped better than the school library did with that kind of up to date research. The internet was an amazing thing. She checked her email, noticing something from her dean. That was weird. Why would she email her on a Sunday? She opened it, reading over the contents quickly.

Accusations? She hadn't accused anyone of anything. When she saw the name of the doctor her eyes widened - how did the Dean find out? Finally reading the entirety of the email - which detailed having to go to a meeting with the Dean of the school and the hospital exec in charge of the nursing clinicals - her eyes widened. Rafael.

He was the only person she'd talked with about that Thursday. Why on earth would he do that? WHEN would he have done that? She rushed out the door of the library having hardly done anything she planned, crossing down to buzz Rafael's door.

Barba heard the constant buzz of his front door over and over. Who was that? He looked at his alarm clock; it was almost 10:30. That was unlike him even on weekends to sleep in this late.

He stumbled to the door, answering the buzz.  
"Yes?"

"Rafael, please let me in." Amelia's voice was calm. He hit the button to open the door. It seemed like seconds later she burst through his door, her mood suddenly changed.

"What did you do?" She asked, her hands on her hips.

"What do you mean?" He replied, rubbing his temples.

"Did you tell my dean what I told you Friday?" She asked, her tone waivering. He could see her struggle to keep a calm demeanor.

"Yes. Yes, I did." He said finally. "Are you surprised? I told you they needed to know."

"Yes but that wasn't your place to tell them, Rafael, it's my decision. My education, my body, my life." She argued.

"Psh! Like you run your own life! Everything you do is in consideration of your family, or me, or your friends. Don't act like you ever make your own decisions." He argued, staring back at her. Amelia's eyes welled up with tears; she blinked them back.

"Rafael...please. Calm down. Let's talk about this." She went to touch his arm and he pulled away.

"Stop trying to make me less upset with your gestures, it's not going to work." He argued. "Look, I don't think we're on the same page anymore. I think we have different priorities and are at too different parts of our lives." The tears in her eyes spilled over as his words punched her in the stomach.

"What do you mean? What are you saying?" She finally asked, lowering her eyes to her shoes.

"I'm saying we shouldn't be involved like this any more. I don't think our goals are aligned. I don't want you to become a good little wife for me, Mel. More importantly you're in undergrad; we just aren't in the same place. You're too young for me." He finally said. The conversation with Ashley last night had poisoned his mind; she was still a child. An immature little girl afraid of speaking her mind. The opposite of him. How could he be with someone like that?

"I...but Rafi, I'll do anything for you. We can talk about this. We can work this out." She went to take his hand again and he backed away.

"No. I think you should go." He said, opening the door. She simply looked at him, defeated, before walking through the same way she did the night before. She stood on the other side of the closed door, hoping he would chase her. But he didn't.

He didn't know if what he did made him feel better. Different, sure; he'd grown pretty used to her being around. And they did have fun together. He loved their trips to the theatres, the way she tolerated and enjoyed his criticisms of movie inaccuracies.

But she let people take advantage of her. She let people make her a victim. Even himself. He could scream at her and she'd bend over backwards for him. Could he risk being with someone who loved him that much? What if he just became his father, cold to a woman who adored him? What would stop him?

He sat down at the little table in his kitchen; where they played cards and ate her carefully prepared meals. This was what was best for the both of them. She'd finish nursing school, probably find someone in her program or some young doctor who wasn't a creep. Someone she could take care of, because that's what would make her happy.

What would he do? Probably still be in this apartment. Still working 55 hour weeks, reading books without ever turning on his TV. They'd be happy apart. They'd been apart before.

A/N: Sorry this took so long to post Also, if it seems really sudden, (1) I wanted to do their breaking up scene now (because it becomes relative in the next chapter and instead of doing mini flashbacks I just wanted to do the whole scene), and (2) I wanted their break up to seem hella sudden. Basically I wanted Rafael to make an executive decision based on a logical but not emotional argument (think the way Barba acted in the episode with the football player who abused his wife in a stairwell) and do it super suddenly so he wouldn't change his mind. Thanks so much for reading!


	12. Awake

A/N: Sorry for the delay! I'm officially done with finals! Yay!

"Mr. Barba? Ms. Silva? She's awake." A nurse said. Barba had been answering some work emails on his phone; Amelia had finally fallen asleep, slumped against him. He didn't have the heart to move her, given she hadn't slept in almost 36 hours. Rafael gently nudged her, watching her eyes flutter open.

"Amelia... come on, let's go see Noelia." He said quietly. Her head popped up as she looked at the nurse before them, scrambling to her feet. Rafael stood, following Amelia and the nurse to Noelia's room.

Lia sat up in her hospital bed. She hated hospitals. Literally nothing good happens at hospitals except babies being born, and even then that could end poorly. She hated the IVs that were in her hands; the fact that tiny needles were dumping fluids into her body was gross. Lia never understood how her mom could come to a place every day, and not only see people who were broken, but see people who were _broken._

God. She was a broken girl now. She had no idea what Nowling did to her.

Her parents came through the door, her mother rushing to her. Lia went to wrap her arms around her mom but the tug at her skin reminded her of the IVs in her hands. Ugh. She started crying.

"Mom, I'm so sorry I've put you through this - it was so scary and my head hurts so badly and-"

"Shhh" Amelia pushed her daughter's hair back from her forehead, frowning. "They let your hair get matted. I'm going to get a brush, _mija,_ we're going to fix it. _Abuelita_ is going to bring you some real food, too, I'll text her right now." She hit the call button to get a nurse and took her phone out, texting her mother that Noelia was awake.

Rafael looked at Noelia, expressionless. She looked back at him.

"Hi, _Padre._ " She said finally.

"Noelia. I'm glad you're safe." He replied. "Rollins and Carisi are on their way to talk to you about what happened. Are you ready to speak give a statement?"

"I mean I know my name and the first president so I think so. The doctor says I have a bad concussion, there's a giant knot on the back of my head." She said, instinctively raising her hand to the back of her head to feel the bump. "It hurts really badly."

Amelia came back over, a brush now in hand. She very gently started tugging at the knots in Noelia's hair but was unsuccessful. She frowned. "Lia we'll fix it when you get home, I don't want to hurt your head." She said gently. Noelia nodded.

"It's fine, mom, really we can deal with it later." Lia said. "The doctor says I'm stuck here for another day anyway. Something something concussion, brain nonsense, whatever." Lia said, rubbing her temples. "Can I like...sit in silence until the detectives get here? I'm glad you're here and all but I feel like my brain is trying to push itself out of my eyes." She said, closing her eyes.

"Of course, baby, we'll step out." Amelia said, though her eyes welled with tears as she stood up, taking Barba's wrist and dragging him out of the room with her. The tears spilled over, trembling hands lifting to cover her mouth.

"Hey, hey…" Rafael slid his arms around her, feeling her shake against his chest. Someone coughed and he looked over, seeing Carisi and Rollins.

"Hey Counselor, can we go talk to Lia?" Carisi said. Barba pulled away from a crying Amelia, walking towards them.

"Yes, she's ready. She has a concussion so try to keep it short." Barba said, gesturing towards the nodded and walked past them. Amelia kept crying.

"Mel, you have to breathe." He said, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"I can't help… my baby...and I can't help." She mumbled through heavy sobs.

"Amelia." He pulled her chin up. She looked at him reluctantly.

"Yes, Rafael?" She replied quietly, meeting his eyes.

"Noelia is okay. She's being seen by some of the best doctors in Manhattan. And I'm going to take this case and that monster is going to go to prison." His hand on her shoulder tightened. She sniffed, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. A small smile spread across her face.

"I like this two day stubble, Rafi." She said quietly, touching his face. He said nothing, watching her expression. She finally looked away. "I'm going to wait until the detectives are done so I can go back to Noelia."

"Let's go get some coffee. You're dead on your feet." He offered.

"But she's-"  
"Talking to Rollins and Carisi. They're good at what they do. Come on." He said, cocking his head towards the exit. She followed reluctantly, wringing her hands. They walked out into the street, where the air was cool and the sun shone.

"Won't your office need you today?" She asked, glancing over to him. He shook his head.  
"They knows the circumstances of this investigation." He said.

"You mean they know you have a kid out of wedlock." Barba frowned at Amelia who stared down at the ground as they walked.

"While I appreciate your ray of sunshine persona, you need to sleep. And food. You've taken ten years off your life in stress." He grabbed her arm as she almost walked into oncoming traffic. "And you almost took the remaining years of your life. Mel, look at me." Brown eyes met his reluctantly. "Stop. Beating. Yourself. Up."

"I could have been awake to get her from school."  
"She's in high school, what New York teen would be willing to have their parent ride the subway with them home? You're being ridiculous."

"I shouldn't have let her go out in the first place. She should have never been in that house."

"She didn't tell you it was a frat house and you work with her friend's dad and apparently Emilio also hangs out there. You know as well as I do you couldn't convince her not to go there. Amelia. I'm telling you that beating yourself up isn't going to help you or your daughter." They got to the coffee shop and he held the door open. She walked through, waiting for him to follow before approaching the counter. There was no line; it was a weird time of day, before lunch but after breakfast to where most people still had the first bit of caffeine buzz.

"Has your drink changed in the last decade?" Barba asked as he followed her. "Cafe au lait, whole milk?" He clarified. Her eyebrows raised.

"That's correct. I'm amazed." She said, not hiding her surprise.

"Coffee purchasing was my biggest contribution to our relationship, considering I couldn't cook or help you with pharmacology." He said, giving the barista his order and handing the barista his credit card.

"You were good at acquiring tickets to random one man shows. An impressive skill."

"I can acquire tickets to full cast performances now. Progress." He quipped. They got their drinks. Barba took a sip immediately; his tongue weathered to the heat. Amelia waited, holding the warm cup between her hands.

"I'm going to go down to SVU and see what the perp admitted to. Are you staying at the hospital all day?" He asked as they began their trek back to the hospital.

"I planned on it yes." She replied.

"You're not. I'll come get you in a couple hours, she's going to be stuck there anyway."

"Raf-"  
"No. Amelia, listen to me. You've spent your whole life taking care of Noelia, you need to take five minutes to take care of yourself."

"Raf-"  
"Mel." He cut of her off again. "You're not going to win this. I'm a lawyer, I'm much better at arguing and you're too much of a people pleaser." She opened her mouth in protest but closed it again.

"I would do anything for my daughter." She said finally, her eyes flashing in anger as she moved to walk past him.

" _Querida."_ He said. She stopped, turning around. "Promise me, you'll come with me later."

"Your charms mean nothing to me, Rafi." She said stubbornly.

"If they really meant nothing, would you have called me Rafi?" He responded, stopping in front of the hospital doors. He smiled at her. She didn't return his smile, just tilted her head to the side. "Exactly. I'll see you no later than two p.m."

Amelia opened her eyes when Carisi and Rollins walked in the room.

"Hey, kid, how ya doin?" Carisi asked as they sat down.

"I mean, good as I can be, right?" Noelia replied.

"Do you want to tell us what happened?" Rollins asked. Noelia sighed. She started through the whole day - getting off the subway, getting thrown in the trunk, being passed out.

"So what made you say all those things to him? To slow him down?" Rollins probed, curious.

"I dunno, I said what I thought would keep him busy. Beside from being a pedophile, he's a typical creep. You know, woe is me, being a 20something white dude is so hard. I just tried to play to that and make his ridiculousness my fault." She shrugged before wincing. "Sorry, my head. I think it got banged up when we were in the car, I had to practically throw myself down so he didn't slam the trunk door on my head.

"What did you mean though? That you were dirty?" Carisi asked, brow furrowed. Noelia bit her lip.

"I dunno, I'm not as innocent as those other girls? I've drank, I've hung out with older people, I'm not the queen of kindness." She shrugged. "Dirty, by his definition." Noelia rubbed her eyes. "My head hurts so badly. Can we please do any follow up questions another time? Please?"

"Yeah of course, Lia." Carisi said, standing up. "We'll leave you alone."

"Carisi?" Noelia stopped them at the door.

"Yes?"

"Can you do me a favor and try to get my mom to be a normal person? Go to work, eat something, preferably not around my father?"

"What, you don't want your dad around her?" Rollins asked, raising an eyebrow. Noelia rolled her eyes.

"She had a crush on him for a decade before I even existed. I don't want him around just to leave again." She said, her tone bitter. Rollins and Carisi exchanged a glance.

"Uh...I'll do my best, Lia. No promises." He replied. He offered a weak smile before turning to walk out.

"This is so weird, ya know?" Carisi said, looking over at Rollins as they walked out the doors of the hospital. "Barba having a real life outside of work and work related functions."

"Yeah, except it's a life he didn't even know he had." Rollins drawled as they got into the car to head to the station.

"Yeah that's not his fault though that she didn't tell him." Rollins rolled her eyes at Carisi's response. "What?" He asked, starting the drive back to the station.

"I'd bet money he knew, or could have figured it out. Barba's never in the dark, I don't expect a girl gets pregnant and no one notices or mentions it to him, especially for fourteen years."

"They left the state though." Carisi pointed out.

"And? No visits to New York, no mutual Facebook friends commenting on pictures of Lia, no communication with her grandparents?" Rollins went on, looking out the window.

"I dunno, Amanda, there are millions of people in the city, all that could slip through the cracks."

"I guess." They got to the station a few minutes later where Fin and Dodds stood in front of the chalkboard.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Rollins asked study crossed the room.

"Just double checking our bases, Barba's on a warpath." Dodds explained. "Casey might not give up the case and he doesn't trust her trying it."

"Why won't she?" Carisi asked.

"She doesn't think Barba can do it with Noelia involved, and Barba doesn't think she can do it because she's been out of SVU for so long. They're butting heads hard," said Fin. A moment later Barba stormed out of the office, Olivia at his heels.

"Barba-"

"I hear you, Liv, loud and clear." Barba walked past the other detectives without a word.

"What happened?" asked Rollins, eyebrows raised. Olivia sighed.

"He's being Barba. I just suggested it might be hard for Noelia to be his witness." Olivia explained. "But all of you, stop standing around. Get back to work."

"Yes, Lieutenant." Dodds, Carisi and Rollins said almost in unison before disbursing. Fin looked at Olivia.

"It'll be a fun case, won't it?"

"You're telling me." She murmured, going back to her office.


	13. Pregnant

Amelia went through the motions of the rest of the semester, alternating between spending her time studying and sleeping. She felt tired all the time; she was gaining weight, feeling sick. She didn't know whether this was a direct result of the stress of school or how heartbroken she was over Rafael.

Two months. It was an insignificant amount of time in the grand scheme of life; she should be able to forget about this. But she couldn't. She knew well that she shouldn't have even talked to Rafael in the first place; there was a clear split in power in the relationship. She idolized him for years. She wasn't even a blip on his radar. She should have known that it would end in nothing but her getting hurt.

But how do you say no to him? To the biting wit, the way you can see the gears turning in his brain as he works to figure something out. He was smart, analytical. He had an assertiveness she could never dream of - a way of speaking she could never master.

Her grades had never been better, that was something at least. Focusing on school was the only thing that kept her sane. She sat in front of her desk. The dorm was mostly dark, her only light being the lamp that sat beside her.

"Are you awake?" Her roommate, Naomi, asked as she opened the door and turned on the lights, holding a bag full of Chinese food. Amelia could tell by the smell - she darted from her chair and into the bathroom, puking. Ugh. She hated Chinese food, but could never blame Naomi for liking it - especially because Naomi was always nice enough to grab her a burger to make up for the smell in their dorm.

"So, um, have you taken a pregnancy test?" Naomi asked as Amelia reemerged. She looked at the cheeseburger and french fries that had been placed on her desk, a towel laid in between her books and the food.

"Why would I take a pregnancy test?" Amelia asked, ignoring her dinner and setting it to the side to look back at her books.

"Oh I dunno, weight gain, puking, sexual activity."

"I haven't had sex in-"

"Exactly, Melly, think of the time line. Did you use a condom every time?"

"Of course we did!" Amelia scoffed.

"The entire time though? Without fail?" Naomi probed, a hand on her hip. Amelia bit her lip.

"Um… I mean sometimes… but that's like a one in a million chance and I'm on the pill."

"One in a hundred. And seriously, Mel, between going out, studying, you rarely sleeping here when you were seeing each other, how good are you at actually taking the pill? Every day? At the same time?"

"But….but…" Amelia stammered, shell shocked. How had it not even occurred to her?

"Come on." Naomi grabbed her wrist, pulling her into the hallway and locking the door behind her.

"Where are we going?"

"The drugstore." Amelia gave up fighting, following Naomi. She struggled to keep up with the brisk pace; she hadn't realized how tired she was. They finally found a CVS, walking in and heading towards the hilariously labeled "Family Planning" section. Family planning held both condoms and pregnancy tests. Amelia always found that ironic.

Naomi grabbed a couple of pregnancy tests and shoved them into Amelia's hands, before taking her by the shoulders to guide her back towards the registers. Once Amelia set the boxes in front of the cashier, she pulled out her wallet to pay for the tests, handing the money over. She could feel herself blush; she hated blushing. Upon getting her change she thanked the cashier before Naomi dragged her back out towards their dorm.

The walk was silent. At least, it felt that way - she was sure it was as loud as it always was in New York, with cars flying by and people talking, but it felt like someone put her ears on mute. They got back to the dorm, with Naomi taking out her keys and opening the door.

"Go." Naomi said, practically carrying Amelia into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her. Amelia stared at the toilet, her hands trembling as she set the boxes onto the sink.

Amelia took a deep breath. She always wanted children - at least a child, singular, anyway. There were definitely worse options for a bastard child's father than Rafael.

She winced at the thought. Despite her support of people making whatever choice they wanted, she still wanted a traditional life - marriage, child, the whole package. Perhaps it'll be slightly out of order.

But Rafael didn't want her. He'd dumped her and hadn't called since - she was pretty sure he was dating that girl who worked with him, the tall blonde one from Columbia or something.

 **Bang. Bang. Bang.**

"I don't hear anything in there!" Naomi shouted through the door. Amelia sighed before taking both the tests, just in case one was wrong. These things could be wrong, right? It was just a chemical reaction, right? There are plenty of reasons that there could be a false positive.

The minutes ticked by slowly, before both tests changed. She stared down at two blue plus signs.

Pregnant. A human being growing inside of her.

Amelia stared down at her belly, where a group of cells were morphing into something that would become a person. She thought of her human biology courses - she envisioned the one cell, splitting into two, four, a hollow shell of eight, more and more before turning into a fetus, and then, eventually, a baby. A person.

 **Bang. Bang. Bang.** Amelia finally opened the door to an annoyed Naomi, who stood arms crossed and chin down.

"Well?" She said, looking down at one of the tests that Amelia still held in her shaking hand. "Oh." A moment of silence.

"So...we have an answer." Naomi finally said, taking the test from Amelia and throwing it away, as well as the one still sitting on the sink. "Well, make sure to call your doctor tomorrow to confirm. When are you calling Barba?"

"I..of course." Amelia stammered, looking down at her hands.

"I mean you have to tell him." Naomi threw her hands up in the air. "What are you going to do? Are you going to keep it? I mean at least it's someone with a job right? Would you give it up for-"

"Never." Amelia cut her off. "I…. if I...I could raise it. Or my sister could. She's...older. I don't know." She looked down at her feet, before looking back up at Naomi. "I'm going...I'm going to go. Maybe I can catch him at home. It's not that late yet - he probably just got off work." She grabbed her purse with her keys, taking her wallet out of her pocket and shoving it inside the purse and walking out the door before Naomi could say another word.

Rafael. An image flashed in her mind: green eyes. What would he do?

A child out of wedlock. A virtual death sentence for a political career. Judges were elected - would he ever get to be a judge? Would he marry her?

No. Of course not. She was twenty - too young for marriage. At least...maybe. Her grandmothers were both married by twenty, with multiple children. Her mom was married by twenty - no kids, but not for lack of trying. Her mom had already miscarried by age twenty.

The thought made her stomach lurch. That's why there was such a gap between her and her siblings - five years a piece between her and her brother, and her brother and older sister. What if she didn't even have to worry about this baby? What if she lost it before she even had a chance to hold it?

She stopped midstep. Why worry him now? If she didn't even know whether the child would live? The thought made her want to keep it even more. What if she had an abortion and the world cursed her to never carry a child to term? Whether God or just karma, she was paranoid.

She tried to do mental calculations of how she could keep the child. She could easily get an LPN certification, or do an associate's RN degree with her current credits and then get her Bachelor's of Nursing later. She'd only need a babysitter three days a week if she worked three twelve-hour shifts. If she stayed here...if Rafael helped… she could work night shifts. He could watch the baby when she worked.

She could move back home. She was the youngest child - there was still a room in her parent's house. But would her parents keep her? Or would they throw her out on the street?

She started walking again, practicing her speech over and over again in her head. _Rafael, I need to tell you - Rafael, hi, it's good to see you - Rafael, we need to talk…_

She looked up before smacking right into someone. Her eyes widened.

Speak of the goddamn devil.

"Amelia!" Rafael said, his eyebrows raising. "What are you doing over here?"  
"I...um…" Her eyes glanced just past him - to a girl beside him. Whatshername. "I was visiting a friend. Who lives in the neighborhood." She said, looking back at her feet.

"A friend? Off campus? What sort of _friend_?" The girl chided. Rafael glanced at her in irritation.

"Well, Amelia, it was good to see you. Really." He said, a hand reaching forward to touch her arm before going back down awkwardly. He smiled.

"Right." She said, scooting past him and moving quickly. Well, there goes that plan.

She found a phone booth a few blocks away,

"Hello?" asked the familiar voice on the other line.

"Hey, it's me." Amelia said. "Listen...can I come to Cleveland? When finals end? It's...it's important." She said, leaning against the phone booth. Tears stung her eyes, but she kept it together best she could.

She'd move. She'd move away, and start her life over. No Rafael. No New York. A new life. With her and the baby.

No pressure to get married. No pressure to get an abortion. No potential curse from the Gods of Child-having. No worrying about having to share her baby with some blonde prosecutor who thought she was better than Amelia.

Just her, and the little ball of cells inside her. It was the only solution.

It killed her how much she hoped the baby wouldn't look like Rafael. Genetically, her brown eyes should win - as should her darker hair, her curls. All dominant features. God, how fucked up was it that she was hoping for a child who looked nothing like its father? How fucked up was it that she was leaving everything she'd ever known?

A new life with a new baby. A secret life with a secret baby.

"Here we go…" She said, hand on her abdomen, going back to her dorm to start packing.


End file.
